It was our first full day free from orientation. We were supposed to be happy and excited and ready to explore. Instead, we all received an email at 1 in the morning that the TEAN program was cancelled and that they would only help us for two more days. I didn’t know if anyone else was up, but I called my family and my friends back home. This is the second trip cancellation I have been through and I just felt so defeated. I couldn’t do much since it was so late at night, but it was hard for me to fall asleep. I felt like this was some stupid trick the universe was playing on us all. Most people will not graduate on time and we had all been planning this for so long. Especially the people who were going to originally going to China.

After crying a little, I just went back to bed. That morning I met up with the other girls from my hotel and we all just expressed how upset we were. We had to meet in the kitchen since our individual rooms aren’t big enough for other people. We decided to just go out to eat with some of the other people from the program and so we got dressed and met downstairs. The other people from another goshitel met us outside and we went to lunch at a jajangmyun and tangsooyuk place. One of the Korean students led us to a restaurant and we all commiserated. We decided to just explore since there wasn’t anything else we could do.

Most of the other students had already booked their flights home, but I had decided to try and stay and enroll directly in KU. Now it’s almost 11 the next morning and my college, TEAN, and other people are still figuring out if that’s even possible. I’m so upset about it. I don’t know if I’m being stupid, but I just really want to be in Asia. I don’t want to graduate late. I don’t want to be stuck with nothing to do for months and scramble to find a summer internship. I have spent so much time planning and replanning this trip. But I also don’t know how KU will react since there’s still a few weeks until school actually starts and the amount of cases went up so quickly.

After we ate, we went to another shopping district, but I forgot where. We met one of the TEAN staff in the subway and she started crying. I felt so bad, but I hugged her and we talked a little. We ended up walking along a tiny river for about an hour to get to a street food market. I wasn’t hungry, so the group split into two. One went to eat street food and the girls from my goshitel went back to myeongdong to buy souvenirs and skincare for our family back home. I got lost trying to find my way back to meet them, but I met the Italian students in myeongdong and they also said they were heading back soon. Once I met back up with the other girls we decided to meet up with the other group. It was such a long subway ride though and we were almost in Gangam, so it took an hour. We got lost a little bit in the subway, which didn’t help.

We met up with them and then went to kbbq. It was my first time having it and it was good. But I wasn’t that hungry, so I don’t know. Some people drank, but I just wasn’t feeling it. We took the long subway ride back and then went to a cafe, where all the other people ordered dessert. My stomach just isn’t happy when I’m anxious, so I was in a bad mood and wanted to talk with my family and friends. It was around 10 pm by this time. I had been worrying and talking with my friends back home.

I am so sad. My heart hurts for everyone. For the families in China separated by the travel restriction. For those infected and for the doctor’s fighting to take care of them. For other exchange students who don’t know what to do.

Once I got back to my room, it was basically a waiting game to see if my college would let me directly enroll and if TEAN would be able to help. I didn’t feel like writing here. I know these posts aren’t as descriptive as I had planned. I just am so exhausted and tired. I miss my friends. I think it would’ve been better if I knew for sure I could go to KU and meet new ones, but I have no idea what will happen. Even if I stay, I want to move to the other goshitel because it allows visitors and my sister wants to visit. I don’t know how good a decision that is… I don’t know how good any of the decisions I’m making are.

My mom keeps saying everything happens for a reason and that this is teaching me to be adaptable. I don’t want to be adaptable right now though. I want to feel like I know what’s going to happen and that everyone will be safe and happy. I want to not feel anxious all of the time and not have to wear a face mask outside. I’m supposed to meet up with the group later today and go on more adventures. I guess we’ll see how that goes. For now, I don’t have a flight booked and I’m in a country where I don’t know the language. I don’t think I could have prepared for this. I am so sad and even though I’m trying to keep busy I just have this heaviness in my chest.