Part I:

It’s a strange feeling to walk around and have people assume I belong. When they speak to me in Korean, I panic. I usually look to my friend, and if I don’t react quickly enough, then they’ll explain that we speak English. I hate the feeling of being disappointing. Like I should understand them. But it’s not like I was preparing to come to Korea for half a year. I know only basic phrases and can barely read hangul.

I wonder how it would be in China. I think it would hurt more. Not knowing what people are saying when I wanted so desperately to belong. I feel silly taking a sense of pride when people assume I belong here. Like I’m a native. Sometimes I pretend I understand and it goes fine. I give with two hands and receive with two, communicating with nods and “mhmms.”

I still think about the person I met at the international gathering who encouraged me to move to Asia. Why did he move back? He grew up in Japan and he said it was too tiring to think constantly about his identity in the states. There is such a different racial dynamic at play there and a history of being a perpetual foreigner.

But wouldn’t I still be a perpetual foreigner abroad? Why do I like living in Korea? I have a lot of financial privilege here because my school is funding my stay. I know it would be different if I was working. But… I like feeling connected to something. I know these customs are not mine, but living here I don’t have to explain where I come from and if somebody does ask about my ethnic heritage it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from a place of malice.

But this is all just me imagining. I don’t know if I could actually give up living in the same country as my family or friends. I don’t know if I could learn how to navigate a new country alone facing different social issues. I don’t know if I want to travel to just escape feeling like I don’t belong. One of my old mentors lived in China for a while and he said he realized he was trying to run away from being American. He couldn’t speak Chinese, but he had grown to love living there as a second-generation Chinese American. Am I doing the same thing?

Part II:

The above videos describes how I’m feeling and then nothing at all. (Side note: I’ve been following her since middle school and I’m so glad she’s still active on YT). With all of the uncertainty going on with Covid and my friends and family being directly affected back in the states, I am so… Sad and stressed and overwhelmed and I wonder why I am here.

I have so much privilege being in a country right now where the government is testing people and treating them without burdening them with financial hardships. But it’s hard seeing small businesses being affected. Yesterday, the girl from Norway bought a dress and the seller was so happy that she almost started crying and hugged her. I think about my family in the states and the small businesses struggling back home. I think about those who don’t have healthcare and those who are homeless and those who are sick and those who are struggling… Here’s a resource list if anybody needs it. Feel free to share and edit.

I am lonely and constantly trying to find new people to hang out with. I met a girl from orientation the other day and she was really nice. She’s from Australia and is half Japanese and we had very deep talks about race relations in our home countries and our experiences in predominantly-white spaces. I really like her and might hang out with her tomorrow. But when I get back to my goshiwon it feels lonely.

I have no idea what I’m doing with courses. I can’t talk with my friends or family until late at night. I worry about money constantly. I wish my sister or friends were here to explore, but know they might be safer in the states. I hate feeling constantly on edge and like like the world is going to end. Having GAD during this period of uncertainty certainly isn’t helping. I feel the need to constantly be doing something, but also know it’s good to stay inside. I don’t know what to do with myself and that’s so frustrating to me. But life isn’t fair and life doesn’t make sense and all I can do is try to love as much as I can while I’m alive. So thanks for reading. I love you.