The past few days, I have been having a lot of trouble thinking about money, privilege, geographic space, and what it means for me to be so far from home right now. I feel guilty spending money on food. Technically can’t I survive on ramen here? Do I need to eat vegetables? What is the point of eating other foods? Why should I spend my money on something that won’t last? The anxiety around spending money on food isn’t new, but it is exacerbated here.

I worry a lot about finances and my college also informed me that I still have a balance on my account because of the way they calculate need based finances on my outside scholarships. I am frustrated. I am beyond frustrated that even if I try to apply for outside funding that it doesn’t make any difference.

I have been sleeping a lot. Had a friend breakup as well recently and it hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Not talking to somebody often leaves a gap of time that makes me uncomfortable. But even though I have so much time, I find it hard to leave my room unless I have somebody pushing me to. The goshiwon room is rather gloomy and although I’m grateful to have a place to live, the close quarters makes me depressed.

It’s almost midnight here and I just finished up an architecture project. I have no idea what I’m doing in this class and I worry that I will not do well. It doesn’t really matter much since it’s for a general ed requirement, but I always worry. I have to create 5 paper models, create isometric sketches of them, and then create artist statements for them. I’m not sure how this course will go since they just extended the online period until May.

I’m seeing a lot of people online post about social distancing in the states and I worry for my family. I hope grocery prices don’t go up. But I know that the economy will likely be hit hard worldwide and especially in the states since so many people are getting sick. I miss being able to talk to my sister whenever I wanted to. I miss cooking with her and shopping. I am homesick and lonely.

I mostly hang out with the Norwegian girl and one of the Korean citizens who also stayed from TEAN. I went out with people in the goshiwon one time and they were drinking. I refrained and honestly was a little embarrassed about how loud they were. Foreigners in any country have some privilege and I just don’t want to be disrespectful of the space I’m taking up. The other people in the goshiwon don’t really talk to me. They smile at me now, but we don’t really have conversations. I feel awkward in the kitchen, so I try to cook quickly.

I feel like I should be working harder on my academics, but I’m already spending hours on assignments. I hate online courses. I miss interacting with people in school. I miss meeting new people.

I also have been thinking a lot about how I fit in here. People still continue to speak to me in Korean when they see me in a pair with a non-Asian person and I usually am just silent. I think about what life would be like if I actually lived here. Not bad, but I wish I had had the experience to live in China. I see a lot of foreign English teachers here and I wonder if I ever will do something like that. I’m not sure. I want to explore and travel and learn and be happy. I realize that I need to be around people and feel like I’m making a difference in order to stay happy and motivated. It’s hard when you’re alone. Maybe that’s another reason I feel so guilty for how I’m spending my days.