I really am not great at keeping up with this blog. I think one of the reasons I don’t write here as often is because I feel like it’s a chore. Maybe it’s more of a mindset thing. I have been journaling more often though, which has been good.

Things are so uncertain here and midterms are stressing me out! I have to make 5 more paper models for Architecture by Thursday, turn in my midterm paper for Irish Literature, do a project for my Leisure class, and have an oral interview for Korean. I really wish I just didn’t care as much about my grades. I know they don’t define me and I know that this won’t matter much in the long run. But the idea of letting someone down (even though my professors probably don’t even care that much about some random exchange student) gives me so much anxiety. I’ve gotten better about not putting my 110% into every task, but it still bothers me. I know I can even take all of my classes S/D/F.

Why do I care so much??? Agh!!!! My mom says that I’ve always been like this. How do I just not care? How do I make my life more about making myself happy and making a positive impact rather than satisfying menial tasks others designate for me? Yes, grades matter to an extent, but I have a 3.94. Taking this semester easy will not kill me.

I also am constantly stressed thinking about next year and I hate that I can’t relax about the future. I know that I want to graduate in fall, but I also know that my job as an AA says I should stay for the full academic year. But with Covid affecting everything, who knows if school will even be in person? I know my friend from CA is thinking of just going to NY to pack up her apartment and just stay for an online internship there. If she does that, maybe she could ship my stuff back to me as well. If that happens though, I’ll have to video call her and go through everything. I feel bad because one of my other friends is storing my stuff since we thought I would just be gone for a semester.

One friend who has dual citizenship may take another semester here in Korea. This would mean they would graduate later, but their mom also suggested it. I wish I could if things come to the worst, but I really don’t know how that would affect my financial aid. I really don’t want to have to take out more loans. My anxiety around money is so irrational at times and that’s also something I worry about, which makes it worse! Agh!

Things at home haven’t been great either and my mom was in the hospital for a week. She’s back home, thankfully, but there was a really stressful period of time when my sister couldn’t even find her in the hospital system. They weren’t allowing anyone inside to visit and the nurses on the phone kept telling her misinformation. I don’t know how long the hospitals and clinics will be over-crowded, but this is horrible. The US is going down and I am not looking forward to going back. Even if colleges do decide to go back to campus now, what’s the point? People are saying that at this point the US needs to think about herd immunity, but that means so many more people will die or work while being sick.

It makes me nauseous thinking about how much pain and fear people are going through. Black and brown communities are being affected disproportionately and undocumented people are also facing heightened barriers and anxiety around healthcare, wages, rent, etc. Language barriers for immigrant families and students, lay offs, not enough money for rent/groceries are all things people are struggling with and going on social media means I’m bombarded with these stories all the time. I know these issues are caused by structural inequalities that I, as an individual, am not able to solve on my own, but it makes me feel even more helpless being so far away from home where I can organize and do more advocacy work. I need to unplug sometimes and take time to just live. It’s okay to feel sad and guilty for being away and homesick, but it’s also important for me to find reasons to keep living.

That being said, I have found new friends and new things that make me happy here. I love the animal cafes. I love going to cafes and studying. I love the markets here with fresh vegetables and fruits. I love the cherry blossoms everywhere and the different kind of birds I see here.

The other day I literally just stayed in bed for hours. I ate and then just laid in bed and slept. I was putting off work and feeling overwhelmed and sad. I need to have a plan to go out at least once a day, even if it’s just a small errand. It keeps me going and gives me something to plan my day around. I forget how easy it is to fall into these cycles of sadness.

Classes may start to meet in person. I know my architecture professor says he wants to meet in mid-May. Ah, I am not looking forward to it at all, but I hope he just grades me easily. Once again, why do I care?? At least going to class will give me something to do.

I have stopped hanging out with the girl from Norway as often. We’ve made other friends and I think she likes to go out and spend more money more than I do. I feel guilty for some reason, but there’s also no obligation for me to spend my time with one singular person all the time. I can choose who I spend my time with right now and sometimes being alone is just easier. I’ve been hanging out with my friend from college more recently and I met their cousin the other day. It was fun being out and seeing them speak in Korean with their family. I had been following their cousin for over a year, so it was funny that we actually got to meet in-person. He was very nice and polite. He kept apologizing for his English, but I wish he didn’t feel the need to. Honestly, it’s on me to be better at Korean since I’m the foreigner.

I still think about what it means for me to even be in Korea. My college friend and I were talking about American privilege and how many people expect others to speak English to them or are surprised when another country’s way of life is different/unfamiliar and act like it’s abnormal. I think I just feel guilty being here. But this residual guilt doesn’t excuse me from not being polite or respectful. I just get so embarrassed when I try to speak Korean. I know that trying to explain is better than just being silent, but there’s something inside me that just wishes I would disappear instead. I know it’s okay for me to take up space and to learn about this place I ended up in, but I feel so much despair sometimes. Why am I trying to fit in when I never will? This mindset won’t get me too far, but it’s hard to not fall back into old patterns. I just need to study my Korean more and actually practice. Even with friends I feel so embarrassed about it.

I have to study for my Korean midterm now. Hopefully my interview goes well on Wednesday.