I was writing a paper for one of my classes about a place I’d like to visit and I started talking about going to China. I teared up a bit thinking about the fact that I probably will have to wait a while before that is even possible and how my mom and sister may not even be able to come with me. I wish I had the financial stability to bring them along and that my mom was physically able to accompany me, but I know it’s not very realistic. Thinking about going to my birth city and doing a biological family search makes me so emotional and I don’t even know if I should. I don’t know if it would cause new questions for me or make me feel worse or if it would help me feel more secure in my identity.

I met a lot of international Asian people here (Koreans who were born abroad and wanted to come back, Korean adoptees visiting, a Chinese adoptee I mentioned before, a Japanese guy who worked in multiple countries and ended up here, etc.) and I know that identity fluctuates and it is okay to be unsure of where I belong. But I wish I had a more solid answer and I wish I could make peace with the fact that I probably won’t know. I guess I’m just really emotional and homesick.

I didn’t think that I would get homesick like this. I was fine going to school across the country and seeing my family once in a while. But I also was in the same country and the time difference wasn’t bad. I had friends I could rely on for a support system and I knew how to navigate things like restaurants, the healthcare system, and my academics. Here, everything is so different and it’s compounded by the effects of covid. I know that I’ve made some really memorable connections here, but I also just cried on and off again a few days ago because I missed hanging out with my sister and calling my friends at random times to tell them something stupid without worrying I’m waking them up or going to grab boba with my college friends.

I feel really lonely here. I don’t know what to do to fix it. Ugh, I’m tearing up in a cafe. I wish I wasn’t as sensitive as I am. I think it’s normal to miss family, but I also worry so much about their health and the state of the US. I also worry that going out isn’t fair. Why should I go out to eat if my friends back home are in quarantine? But then I get angry at the people in the US going out and breaking quarantine to hang out with their friends. Am I doing the same thing? I called my friend from CA and he said that it is okay and I shouldn’t feel guilty. My friends back home want the best for me and being in a different country means there are different standards. I wish I could accept that fully as well. I worry about my friend working in a hospital and I worry about how I’ll return to the US or if it would be better to extend my stay here for a little more. I worry that I’ll lose touch with people here and that I’ll lose touch with people at home.

As much as I critique the US and feel like a perpetual foreigner as an Asian American, my friends and family are there. I always thought living abroad would be the dream and the goal. But I just want to cry some days because I feel like I’m not doing anything. I know everyone is impacted during covid, but seeing my Korean American friend who has dual citizenship go out and feel comfortable here makes me feel extra isolated.

I wish I could go out and meet new people and have fun in class groups, but that’s just not the reality I’m in. There was another outbreak in the clubs in Itaewon and I know it’s not safe to go to crowded spaces. I will be here through the end of June and my Visa is valid through September. What are my goals? What am I trying to get out of this? What can I learn? This is a list of things to give me hope and to motivate me for the future.

1. Finish the semester and do the best I can in my classes. If I can’t go out and meet new people, I might as well spend my time learning as much as I can about the topics I’m paying to stay here for.
2. Learn more Korean. I have no idea if I’ll actually need it later, but it wouldn’t hurt to remember some basic phrases and grammar when I’m back in the US.
3. Brush up on my Chinese this summer. One of my friend’s roommates is Chinese so maybe I’ll message her more often. My Chinese is so bad now and I’m honestly embarrassed of how much I’ve lost so quickly. My Korean American friend keeps saying that they should have just let me go to Shanghai and part of me agrees. But I also am grateful for the people and memories I’ve made here.
4. Save money and look into getting a part-time job? I’m not sure how this would work with my visa, but I know exchange students can work if they have a certain stamp on their Visa. Maybe I can get one retroactively. It’s necessary for me to save, especially if I end up staying here longer.
5. Look up options for post-graduation/next semester. If the semester is online for fall, is it possible for me to switch to a working holiday visa? I don’t want to be stuck in quarantine back home, but that’s also an option.
6. Hang out with the friends I have made so far. Maybe this just means studying together or maybe it’s going to a park or maybe it’s just taking a walk together. I just want a few people I can connect with and continue to speak with regardless of if I stay here longer or not.
7. Stay connected with my friends back home. I call some people on Snapchat or Messenger, but I need to be more consistent with that. It makes me feel so much better and I forget how important it is to feel like I matter to people. Like I belong to a group of friends.
8. Look up things to do over the summer. Maybe I can get my TEFL certificate and look into teaching abroad in Asia. Maybe I’ll stay here, maybe I’ll go to China? However, I know that many private academies here prefer white foreigners and I’m sure China isn’t much different in that respect. I don’t know what to do. What are my career options? I’ll look into that over the summer as well.
   • Also think about things like extending my travel insurance, getting medication refills, etc.
9. Go outside of my goshiwon more. Spending so much time in my tiny, humid room isn’t good for my mental health. I need to study outside of it. Now I know that the science library and other areas on campus are open, so I plan to go there more often (with a mask and hand sanitizer of course).
10. Keep track of my budget more effectively. I know that I am a pretty thrifty person and don’t spend much, but I want to create a spreadsheet soon to keep track of my spending.
11. Do one thing each day that isn’t related to school and is just for myself, not including watching something online. Maybe I’ll go for a walk or paint or do origami. Something that gets me moving is important too.
12. Exercise more! I try to do workouts in my room, but it’s kind of hard since it’s so small. However, I want to get more fit and keep healthy. This also means I should try to eat better. I basically just eat tofu and spinach and rice and apples if I don’t go out to eat with people. I don’t think this is a bad diet (and it’s certainly cheap), but I think I need more micro-nutrients by mixing up the fruits and vegetables I eat. Maybe I’ll call Josh and have him help me cook something. I need to stop worrying so much about money and also focus on my body. My health is something that I can’t fix with savings later.
13. Think about if living abroad is something I want. I have followed a few Asian American YouTubers who live/lived abroad (particularly in Korea) and I think it’s important to reflect on the location I chose to work in and why I would do it. Is it really for my happiness or the security or other people? Am I willing to give up parts of my life in the US to “find myself” or will I regret missing out on spending time with the friends I already have? But they’re so spread out anyways, so does it make a difference?
14. Relax sometimes. I feel like I always have to be doing something productive. And it is good to have goals and to work on things I find important. But it’s okay to spend days enjoying the weather and laughing with friends. It’s okay to get lost in a book.
15. Stop looking at social media and the news all the time. I find myself Googling “covid USA,” “covid colleges,” etc. and this isn’t helping my anxiety. I just get more worried and reading the headlines everyday and although it is important to be civically engaged and aware, I also need to cut myself a little bit of slack. I can’t organize like I normally would do in the states and although there are virtual forums and panels for student leaders, it’s okay for me to not go! I am in a different time zone. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.