There are a lot of things going on in the world right now. The news of police brutality, covid deaths, my mom’s health troubles, the exploitation of a fellow Chinese adoptee, and a sense of being generally overwhelmed… It all gets to me. Some days I feel heavy enough to sink to the core of the earth. Some days I try to forget all my responsibilities and just live with my friends. I don’t know what a good medium is.

Looking for summer housing and internships has got me feeling extra blue lately. I don’t want to base my worth on my productivity, but I feel like that’s the only way I know how to. I feel bad existing and taking up money and space and time. I want to apologize to the world for my existence. But I also know logically that there is something special about every living thing and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I know that I have many privileges and I need to use them to continue to make the world a better place. Maybe that’ll be by getting an internship. Maybe that’ll be by getting my TEFL certificate this summer. Maybe that’ll be by just volunteering.

I am hoping to learn and grow and be happy. But it’s hard when there’s a pandemic and I’m away from my family. I wish I had more time with them but I also know if I go back home that there’s nothing for me to do there, either. I might as well experience Seoul as much as I can. I was really thankful to my mom the other day for helping me talk that out. Now I need to find housing. She and I both have a hard time making a good decision because we always try to make the “right” one.

Do I want a place with a window? Or would one without it make me go outside more? Do I really need A/C? Am I willing to pay for my own kitchen supplies, bedding, etc with a one room or can I get by with a goshiwon? I would like to have guests over, but I also appreciate the lazy student lifestyle a goshiwon offers. Ugh, I’m horrible at deciding. I’ll talk through it more with my sister. She always helps me balance things out. Here are some of my plans/priorities:

• Create my final video for Leisure and Society
• Add to my architecture project
• Study Korean
• Apply to more internships
• Look/finalize housing plans?
• Hang out with friends before they leave
• Find out if I can inter/volunteer at TNKR or PSCORE before the end of June (if I can then my school may give me $900)
• Eat all of the seaweed I bought before I move out…. lol

Those are the pressing concerns. After the semester ends here are some ideas I have:

• Get TEFL certified
• Take online courses to increase my skills (Excel, Coding, Korean/Chinese?, etc.
• Continue doing online yoga with my friends from my previous internship (good for mind and body)
• Hang out with the friends I have here
• Unravel my guilt associated with money. At some point I need to forgive myself and realize that not everything can be productive/monetized/measured by the monetary value it has. My health and quality of life is also important…. But it’s also hard to say that during a pandemic when I’m not sure when I’ll be employed…
• Stop worrying about my financial aid for next year. Either way I’ll have my housing stipend/if it’s online I’ll do it from home. I will be okay.