I have less than a month left in Korea. I’m not exactly sure what I want to do next. I thought that maybe I had found a significant other and that would help me pick a place to end up. But things didn’t work out and that’s okay. I think I just love so hard. I have never really picked a place just for me. My life decisions/events about my location have either been out of my control (international adoption, losing a house, etc.) or based off of the location of people I love. And I think that’s okay. But it’s hard now when my friends are so spread out. I feel like most of my friends are on the east coast. I don’t think I can live abroad for a long time yet. Maybe I’ll change my mind.

I love Korea and it’s beautiful and convenient. But I want to feel stable and loved. I don’t need the dream job or best salary, but I need to feel like I belong. I thought being in Korea would be okay because it was another east asian country and I knew at least one other person here. And I do know I belong somehow in the greater world. I’ve been talking with other friends and adoptees about their career paths and feelings of belonging. It helps calm me down. I am only in my early 20s and I will go through many heartbreaks and life changes and it’s okay to not have everything “figured out.” I crave stability, but I also am learning that it’s okay to be happy in a moment.

Sometimes I want to just go home early and stop this interim period. But when else will I have this chance? When else will I be in another country and not have a job tying me down? I guess I could decide to just take a gap year later in life too, but I’m trying to enjoy myself now.

I’ve realized however, that I hate being alone. I’m so bad at being with myself and I pack my schedule with meal appointments with friends or hangouts or calls. Why? I think it goes back to being wanted and craving a sense of belonging. I need validation that I’m worthy of being with others. And that’s a hard way to live. It’s a stressful way to live always being busy. But I’m aware of it now. I’m sure I’ll have more than enough time alone at home when I return.

School starts in a few weeks. My last semester. I’m ready to graduate and just be done with college but I’m also still mourning the time I could have had. That’s okay. I’ll keep seeing a therapist and talking it out. I will keep growing. I saw a quote recently: “I know love exists because I exist and I am full of it.” I will continue to love.