I was talking to some Korean adoptees I met here the other day. We all agreed that when we love, we tend to love hard. Meaning, we invest so much time and energy into a relationship that sometimes it becomes unhealthy for both parties. And I think it’s hard for me to distinguish myself from my relationships with the people around me. Maybe this goes back to the looking-glass self. The idea that I am who you think who I think who you think I am. But I desperately crave stability and validation and unconditional love in terms of romantic and platonic friendships.

In terms of romantic relationships, one Korean adoptee was explaining how even though you can have an emotional and intellectual bond with someone, practical life decisions come in the way of being/staying in a relationship with a person. That’s hard for me to accept. I think it’s so easy for me to change my own life circumstances to fit into the lives of others. And that’s not healthy, but when someone becomes important to me I tend to follow them where I can. I’ve been taught by movies and books and media that love conquers all and sometimes that just isn’t true. Sometimes it’s location or family desires or education or day-to-day expectations that don’t line up and that’s okay. It’s okay to not end up with someone because you aren’t sure what you want to do.

I am in my early 20s. I know things are variable. I know I will move around a lot and probably get my heart broken many more times. But I wish I wasn’t viewed as a “practice relationship” for people and instead someone wanted to stay with me because they realized… I don’t know, that they want me in their life. The other adoptee I met kept saying you’re only another heartbreak away from heaven. But am I really? Does love have to quantify my life? Is there anybody who is in their early twenties who actually is looking for a serious relationship like I am? How do I want to define if my life is successful? We are all stuck in this capitalistic society. Can I skate by doing nonprofit work or is it necessary for me to sell my soul to corporate and find other ways that make life fulfilling? Is financial stability worth doing work I’m not passionate about? There’s a lot to think about. I just worry that I won’t have enough time before I realize I messed up. But who defines “messed up?” And why do I have to adhere to their definition of life? Can’t I be happy enjoying the little day-to-day things? I don’t know.