Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do once I graduate. Do I want to go into the non-profit sphere and get a low income, but do fulfilling work? Or try to teach abroad? Or go to a big city and go into corporate? I’m lost and I keep worrying that I’m not doing enough with my life. I’ve been waking up with so much anxiety and dread about what I’ll do today. Am I doing anything meaningful? Am I contributing the way that I should? That I want to? I have no idea. I want to feel fulfilled and happy with the work I’m doing. But I also hate how unsure everything is with covid and working from home and missing my friends from college.

I miss freshman year. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I didn’t have as much pressure to find a job immediately. I want to do an internship that may lead me to a job, but I also don’t know what exactly I want to do, so that’s not very helpful either. I have a dream that I will end up in a city doing non-profit advocacy work and be with friends often and eventually get married and be financially stable. But that’s just a dream and a very vague one. I don’t know exactly how to get there. I don’t want to end up in my small town back home. But maybe it wouldn’t be so bad going to the city in my state? I’m not sure. I don’t have a lot of connections there.

I worry that I missed out on building that network since I went to school across the country. But I also am so grateful for all the people I met and the opportunities that I’ve had. I am scared to “measure my life in teaspoons” as Prufrock said. I want a predictable life in some ways; I mean who doesn’t want financial and emotional stability? But I also want to measure my life by joy and love and the connections I have with people. Maybe I’ve been around too many people who view life only in terms of monetary gain and economic value. I want to make a change in the world and be happy with my day-to-day life. I want to wake up happy and fulfilled with the people around me. I hate the instability that covid has brought and the separation from family and friends.

Is this just adulthood? Constant uncertainty and being directionless? I really don’t understand how people create such large goals for themselves. Mine are so small and vague. How should I plan for what comes next? I’ve been looking at fall internships and trying to do informational interviews with alumni I know and posting on Facebook groups about topics I’m interested in. But I really truly feel empty sometimes. I only feel whole when I’m laughing with friends or being around other people. I miss life before covid.