Some days I feel so happy and full of hope for the future. That’s when I feel like I have a sense of direction and drive. Other days, whether I’m alone or with people, I feel such a deep sense of anxiety and panic about the future that all I feel is despair. Even if I feel happy on the surface, this tight band of tension is in my chest. In order to pursue a life worth living… I want to balance out the pain with doing kind and caring things for myself and others. What does that look like? What kind of work will keep me going?What are activities that I can do alone that bring a sense of purpose and happiness? Working with the AAPI nonprofit space gave me that. Working with kids gave me that. Having friends and family around me constantly gave me that. What does this look like when I’m home again and can’t go out as often? What about after graduation?

My school starts online this week. I don’t know how heavy the workload will be. I really dislike the inbetween stages of life. I wish I automatically had community and happiness and stable people in my life. But I know that I should also appreciate the things I can while I have them right now. It’s hard to not look towards the future. I have to keep putting new assignments into my calendar and it’s stressing me out. But I know that this will be the last semester and I should do the best while I can.

4 months until I graduate. 4 months until I hopefully move out and find a new sense of community. I don’t feel grounded at all in my small town. There is no diversity or friend group or organization that I feel attached to. I want to just feel like I belong. But that is not just going into a community and declaring that, “I belong here!” It’s knowing what the community you’re in needs and how you can help contribute. I don’t want to just skate by. I want to take the time to understand the reason why I want to go somewhere. How much selfishness is okay with choosing a location? How much of my privilege plays a part into where I go? What do I do with it?

I envy my old roommate, who is from Norway. She has decided she wants to go to university here and has been studying the language for years. She’ll be applying to undergraduate school here soon. She has learned about this place and she has a goal to be here. How much of my feeling of being isolated is learned helplessness? How much control do I actually have over my own life? What do I need to accept as fact and what can I change?

These aren’t new emotions or fears. I don’t think it’s easy to just “get over” them though. The future is so uncertain, especially during a pandemic and with the thought now that… People can choose where they make their homes. Where do I want mine to be? Who do I want to be in my life? I miss seeing my friends in the US, but I know I’ll also miss the people I’ve met here. It feels silly, but I’m so change-averse.

But recently, I’ve also had days where I spend the majority of my time with people I love and care about. And I am happy then just being. Just breathing and talking and feeling the sun. It’s hard to balance my life worries with the present moment. How do I allow for the deep acceptance of change while still being present?