I cried a lot before coming back to the states. It was a mixture of dreading school, missing the people I came to love, and the anxiety of not knowing what is in the future. This was coupled with the fear of the fires and the US’s reaction to Covid. When I cry it feels like I don’t have control over when my tears come. I don’t want to cry, but my emotions are so close to the surface that I can’t help it.

I can never sleep on the plane. No matter how long the flight is, my anxiety just keeps me up. At some point it’s like I can feel my heartbeat getting faster and faster because I’m so aware of my own exhaustion. But I still can’t sleep. And then I end up getting grumpy later. But today I tried to hold it in. I watched 4 movies, most of them were Korean, and then just played Mahjong and listened to music. I had to transfer through Canada and I was scared that my flight would have troubles since Canada isn’t allowing foreign nationals into the country. But since I stayed in the airport, it was alright.

I was randomly screened for an agricultural test to make sure I didn’t bring back any invasive species. It was fine, but I really felt lightheaded at that point. I just wanted to sit down. I wasn’t allowed to use my phone while I waited either. It took maybe 30 minutes to wait and then have them scan my suitcase for any plant/animal objects. I ended up making some TikToks after that and reminiscing about the not-so-distant past.

It hasn’t hit me that I am back. I don’t feel at home here either. Also, I hate cars. I much prefer public transportation. I feel like crawling out of my skin. Being back in this house feels… wrong. Like I don’t belong here and these circumstances make me so uncomfortable. Why? I want to be in an environment where I’m free to choose who I surround myself with. And this small town doesn’t have people that I would reach out to when I want a friend. It reminds me of how restless I felt when I was younger and I understand and empathize with my younger self. I am always looking for people to call home. It’s hard when there’s distance between you and the ones you’re close with. But I know I’ll do my best to make sure they know I’m thinking about them always.

I ended up getting some boba and a banh mi with my sister for a late lunch/dinner. Unpacking and making space for myself in my room (where my mom has stored her crocheting supplies) was tiring. I can’t tell if I want to cry, but I definitely feel heavy. Like a heavy weight on a chest. Different than the tight band of anxiety when I feel pressure to do something. More like the sinking feeling of acceptance.

I will be here for 3 months at least, not going outside much and hoping for a more fulfilling future. I know I should also appreciate these moments, too though. The ones with my sister and mom and trying to enjoy some leisure time when I can. But after already having an online semester in Korea, I miss having those in-person interactions so much more. I didn’t realize how important physical touch was for my friendships until this happened. Just hugging them or sitting together to watch a movie. It’s a different experience when you’re together. But I know I’ll have that again soon. I just have to be creative about connecting with my loved ones right now.

I have a few assignments already coming up and some job applications I should send out. But I worry that I’ll be behind and this worry makes me not even want to start. I know that ultimately I will do it. It’s not a passion to do this work at the moment that is driving me, though. It’s more fear-based. What if I’m not enough? What if I don’t get a job I like? What if my professors don’t like me? These questions aren’t even relevant to the subjects I’ll be learning about, but the fear of being inadequate is so ingrained in me.

I think it’s good to realize this and take a step back. I’m dealing with a lot of things going on right now. It’s okay for me to feel overwhelmed and speak with professors about what is going on. Most are very understanding and willing to work with me until I get things settled, which I appreciate tremendously. I wonder how this will change once I enter the workforce. I hope I work somewhere where I get along well with my supervisor and coworkers. Regardless of the kind of work I’m doing, I want to be surrounded with people that make life a little better.

Some goals for this week:

• Make up hours for my internship
• Reach out to the English dept about the job
• Contact the summer internship coordinator to update her about my availability
• Get prepared to join online classes on Tuesday/whenever I can
• Do more research for my English honors course
• Apply to at least 3 jobs/recruiters this week