I would like to say that I feel comfortable getting back into a school routine, but I can’t say that I do. Today I led another Asian American Alliance meeting and honestly, I miss seeing my friends so much. I didn’t realize how much I had taken study sessions, platonic cuddling, hugs, and waves in the hallways for granted.

It was so good to laugh with people though. I feel the most at home with a set community and having biweekly meetings is hard, but I also don’t want to put too much pressure on the eboard or gbody members to keep coming when I know remote learning is hard. I’m glad there are new freshmen who attend and a lot of them are actually adoptees as well. I have never met as many Asian adoptees as I have in college. It’s wild. I also discovered someone else in my class is an international adoptee after we shared our stories. For some reason, that’s comforting.

I’ve been staying in with my mom and sister. My sister got a covid test yesterday. I hope everything is alright, but both she and my mom have cold symptoms. It might just be a cold, but she hasn’t gotten her flu shot either. We’ll get the results back soon. Thinking about how much healthcare costs in the US stresses me out. I’ll be under my mom’s insurance until I’m 25, but I should get a stable job that provides good coverage otherwise even going to the dentist will be unimaginably costly.

Remote classes make everything seem so inconsequential. It’s so intangible and I don’t get the same satisfaction of interacting with my peers or professor. I am so motivated by outside validation that being alone with my list of assignments just feels like I’m waiting to be crushed. I’ll get through it. A little over two months.

I’ve been speaking with a lot of recruiters and schools lately. I hope that I can get a job abroad soon. I have a few interviews this week and some next week. My friend, who I had a virtual study session with, said something that really stuck with me. He said that he doesn’t really mind what job he’s doing as long as he has free time to do things that he enjoys outside of it. But I have a hard time thinking like that. I think that’s another reason why I find remote learning so hard. I want everything I do to feel like it has a larger meaning, like I’m making steps towards a better world or that I’m impacting someone positively. And I don’t want to be stuck in a job I dislike just to get to do things I enjoy on the weekends. I want to enjoy all parts of my life. Am I being selfish saying that? Am I being unrealistic? How far in the future should I worry about these things?

I know it’ll be okay eventually. I know that I’ll find a job and have friends and have happy moments wherever I am. It’s okay. I just have to breathe. Talk to people I love. Realize that all life has inherent value.