I wonder about this a lot. I think about what it would be like to not struggle with clinical anxiety or depression or reactive attachment disorder. I don’t think any of these labels are fixed and everyone who experiences them goes through their own struggles. Lately I’ve been trying to wean myself off antidepressants. But I also know that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with taking them if they really help. I just have been feeling a lot of shame and guilt thinking about how they will affect my future job prospects or professional image and it frustrates me a lot.

I have been on anxiety/depression medication for over half my life at this point. I wrote my first suicide note when I was five and used to tell my mom that I wanted to walk into traffic so that I could be with my grandpa. When I was younger, I think medication was really the only thing that helped me cope with my overwhelming anxiety.

I talked with my mom about how I was and honestly, it makes me sad thinking about any kid having to experience that. I would freak out over any unanticipated change and couldn’t control my panic attacks. I would hide it so well when I was at school or even when I was at therapy. But once my mom filmed my breakdown in the fourth grade, my therapist immediately said that I needed a different medication. My mom says that I became a different kid. She says she feels guilty that if I had been diagnosed earlier I wouldn’t have to go through all the anxiety before. But it’s not her fault. Nobody could have known. I hid it pretty well in public, so nobody suspected how bad it really was. And she had started antidepressants a year before she adopted me. The stigma around mental health has stopped so many people from getting the help they need.

I switched dosages once I got back to the states and consulted my doctor. I mean, I’ve always struggled with depression, but I think I just feel a lot more sleepy now, even when I sleep more than enough. I hope my body adjusts soon.

I’m in a Korean learning class that another adoptee is hosting for free on Zoom. I definitely am a novice and even though I have friends who are native speakers, I worry that I am not good enough to even try. Which defeats the purpose of learning in the first place, but I think I have a fear of just getting things wrong. But the older I get, the more I realize that there isn’t really a “right” way to do things. I feel silly being so scared, but also the fear of misspeaking feels like it will choke me.

Which brings me to my worries about the rest of my life. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with it right now, but I keep thinking about pension and how it will work when I retire and how my location affects that. Obviously I have a long ways to go before I’m old enough to retire, but I think having my mom reach that age has brought up a lot of questions for me. I’ve been watching a lot of financial literacy videos on YouTube, but sometimes they bring up more questions than answers. I still have student loans to pay off and I know I should save up enough emergency money before I start putting money away for retirement. I’m almost 22 and I wish that I had more of an entrepreneurial spirit. Maybe once I have a stable job I’ll look more seriously for a side-hustle.

Like I said, money has always been a worry in my life. My mom also grew up living from paycheck-to-paycheck, so none of us ever really learned the best financial practices. I know that I have had enough to eat and at least stay with my family. I think just seeing my mom struggle with debt scares me a lot. And I know that my career may change and that will also impact where I end up, what my salary is, and the kind of lifestyle I want. Nothing is ever set in stone and it seems so silly to me that I thought that it was. I wish someone had told me earlier. But at some point it became my own responsibility to teach myself. I’m doing the best I can now.