Some days I wake up and feel so hopeless. Sometimes it seems like nothing I do is worth doing. Why do I have to wash the dishes now? What’s the point in trying to talk to friends? Depression makes you feel like everything is so heavy. It’s hard to describe. I am so harsh on myself that it feels pointless to even try to live a healthy and good life. “If I can’t be the perfect version of myself who has a job/who has already established herself in her field/who has friends who surround her, then why am I trying?” But I know ultimately it’s up to me to decide what’s meaningful. I have to find purpose in my everyday actions. I will clean up. I will write a blog post. I will draw or sew. And although these things don’t necessarily bring me a serotonin boost in the moment, I know that I am going through the motions of life. I am alive. I will keep living.

I still haven’t heard back about the Visa process in Korea. I am getting really anxious. It’s already been 3 weeks. I still have to wait 2 weeks once I get my Visa Issuance Number (VIN). And hagwons in Korea are online or closed at the moment. I feel like a failure in some ways. But I also know none of this is my fault. I have been doing all I can to get my Visa processed. But I keep asking myself if I should apply for other schools just in case. Would it be better to just have more options? But wouldn’t it be bad if the other school does work out? Would it have been a waste of energy? Thinking about it makes me beat myself up.

I also think about the options I’m leaving behind once I go abroad. A lot of internships/fellowships are for recent graduates and if I ever came back and decided to change industries, then my options would be a bit narrower. Then again, I have no idea what I want to end up doing. All I really know is that I liked working with TFA and I like living in a city. One person told me that it isn’t until your 30s that you should have a resume that is more tailored to one industry. I feel like mine is just scattered. Marketing, mentoring/tutoring/teaching, advocacy/non-profit work. And none of my experience was really over a few years. I know that I don’t have to have my life five years down the line figured out to enjoy the present. But I can’t help but worry. Anxiety is also commonly diagnosed alongside depression. The two just bounce off of each other, unfortunately. I’ve been feeling that a lot more recently.

I have been feeling a lot of FOMO lately. Should I open an online art shop/Etsy/Redbubble? Should I invest in a drawing tablet? Would it be worth it? Should I apply for other online jobs right now? I get so overwhelmed with my thoughts that it prevents me from actually taking any action.