I always think of the “what ifs” and this stops me from living in the moment and trying to enjoy what I have. I think of the worst possible scenarios and this fear has me spiral into despair. I thought that maybe if I relocated or changed or stopped taking my medication or just got “stronger” I would be okay. But the thought of going for an extended period of time without access to the mental health resources I’ve had… What would I have done if I really was in a crisis? I wanted so desperately to escape and feel better that I stopped taking care of myself in the moment. I thought it would be better somewhere else. With someone else. Where I could start again. But that’s not fair to them and I realized how utterly selfish I really was.

I live with so much fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failure. Fear of not belonging. Fear of not having people to rely on. And I know that I should be self-reliant. But I always look to others to validate me. I realize that this won’t change overnight, but I know that I need to do better and I can’t burden people with taking care of my ego and mental health all of the time.

The idea of going to Asia as part of the diaspora is so romanticized. And it is important to be connected to your roots and learn more about how other people live. The US is sometimes all people know. But I got stuck in a cycle of comparison and feeling disconnected. I got stuck trying to make people and places tell me that I belonged. My original goal was to go to China and I ended up in Korea and met amazing people and had amazing experiences. I have so much guilt for it though. I kept telling myself that I don’t belong there like other people do and I shouldn’t try. The Korean adoptees have so much to learn and connect with there. I didn’t and it made me jealous and heartsick and I looked to other ways to make me feel better. I met other friends and kept denying that being there made me so insecure. I kept reading about how TEFL teachers aren’t taken seriously and how it isn’t a long-term career. I got scared and anxious. It is so easy for me to go along with how other people judge me because I don’t really have a direction. I want to feel loved and important and like my life has meaning. But this means my sense of self is so fragile. I am at a breaking point. I need to take care of myself but I hate disappointing people and it feels like that is all I do.

Being back on my medication is hard. I forgot about the side-effects. I shake a lot. My hands tremor. I feel like my heartbeat is up in my ears. I can’t sleep well. Sometimes my chest hurts. But I also know that it’ll stabilize in a few weeks. My mom and sister have told me that I have been more on edge and more irritable over the past few months. I just didn’t want to believe them. I wanted to feel like I had a say in where I went and how my emotions were. I didn’t tell anybody what I was going through. I was ashamed to think that my brain has a chemical imbalance that I can’t control. Isn’t that stupid? Why in the world would anybody let me live like this? Why has my body evolved to be the weakest link? Chronic depression/anxiety is something that doesn’t go away.

I let a lot of people down. I let myself down too. I’ll keep trying to do better. I hurt people and it doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean to end up like this. I’m sorry. I feel too ashamed to reach out to the people who expected me to come. I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone and it blew up in my face. I hope I can stay in contact with the people I met and love no matter where they are. But sometimes it’s too late and it hurts and I can’t choose who will want that. But I hope the best for us.