I think there are moments of growth when you hit a lowest low. But it’s never easy or fun and sometimes I can’t see the opportunities in front of me or appreciate all of the amazing things in my life. I have so many beautiful friends and I have food and shelter and the opportunity to find work. I have people who love me and I have the opportunity to love abundantly.

I’m working with local Asian American organizations and meeting new people. It feels overwhelming and scary. I’m interviewing for other full-time positions still, but for now I’m an Immigration Justice intern with a Korean/Asian American organization based in Chicago and DC. Sometimes I stay awake at night and wonder if I made the right decision. But I know that everyone leads their life one step at a time the best they can. And it’s okay to miss people. It’s okay to miss places. And know that there is no right way to live. I have to make peace with my decisions and do what is best for me.

I know that I developed really maladaptive coping habits. I’m trying to reframe my emotions as “I feel depressed/sad/anxious” rather than “I am depressed/sad/anxious.” I don’t check in with myself often enough and I often isolate myself from telling others how I feel. This only leads to heartbreak for both sides. I didn’t even tell my therapist how bad it had gotten when I was at my lowest points. I was ashamed. I wanted my therapist to like me, too, so I hid parts of myself. I know that this isn’t the way to live fully or feel supported. I keep seeing videos pop up about anxious-avoidant attachment styles and I wish that I wasn’t like this. But knowing I am and doing something to work on myself is important. I can’t hate myself. I have spent so much of my life hating myself and that hasn’t gotten me anywhere where I feel better.

I’m scared of change. And scared of not changing. I want to make a difference in the world, but feel so much anxiety thinking about the responsibility. Before I switched medications, I was oversleeping. I wouldn’t want to get out of bed. I lost a lot of weight. Now that I have more things to do, I sleep fitfully. Anxious to always do something, anxious if I mess up. It’s okay to feel anxious. I know that I’m doing my best. I don’t need to earn money like a millionaire. I just want to live happily and be with friends and eat out once in a while.

Doing work in equity spaces does get heavy, though. You’re constantly confronted with the injustices of the world and have to think about how to help others. How do I help myself? How do I handle these emotions? The world isn’t a bad place. I don’t want to believe it. But I know that capitalism and racism and systems of oppression make it so much harder for some than others. And I know that people are working for better. I know that I can find joy in the small things. And I want to. I want to romanticize my life. I want to be happy cooking and hanging out with my sister. I want to laugh with coworkers and feel secure in myself. I will. I’m learning.

Here are some things that have been keeping my spirits up lately:

• Bonding time with Kelsey, not arguing as much, dreaming about where we’ll be
• Doing yoga/work outs with friends ❤ We’ve been doing a 3 week challenge and seeing each other online every day makes me really happy. So does yoga and being more intentional with my body
• Meeting new people at my internship. They’re all pretty young and so intelligent and passionate! I get discouraged sometimes, but I love their passion
• Watching WandaVision with my friend
• Getting more grounded in where I am… This is hard. I have moved around so often that I cling to people to help me feel safe somewhere. I want to be able to self-soothe and enjoy my life and purpose. I don’t dream of a dream job. I don’t dream of labor. But I dream of stability and love and people who are constants in my life. Writing this down makes me feel very grateful.