I made a post on a Facebook group the other day for Asian American professionals about my interest in Asian American advocacy. I keep doing informational interviews with people from the US and that means waking up at 2 or 3 sometimes to call with them. I am interested in advocacy work, but I also know it pays horribly. Even my Asian American studies professor talks about the high turnover rate for this work. I don’t think I could do DEI work for corporate though. One of my friends sent the contact information for a DEI position at the hospital he works at. I’ll reach out and talk to them there as well.

I also have been talking to a lot of different people who teach English abroad. One of my mentors is in Taiwan and I met lots of people here who teach English and/or have taught English here or other Asian countries in the past. I’m not sure how covid will affect these jobs, but it is also something I’m interested in. I’m not sure if it would be a forever job, but I do want to live in Asia for a while at some point in my life. Wouldn’t it be good to do it before I’m older? Some of the people I talked to ended up getting higher ed degrees in TEFL and becoming professors or working with adult English learners. That’s also a future I’m interested in, maybe abroad or in the US.

I talked to one of my old RAs and she does instructional design for English language learners in the US. I thought that may sound interesting, but she doesn’t like how little she interacts with people on a day-to-day basis. I don’t think I would do well in a job where I don’t talk to people often either… I thought that may be something I wanted to do, but I don’t think it would be for me right away. I also talked to someone who works in the DEI industry at Dell and… it just sounds like I’d want to scream doing that kind of work. It would be hard for me to feel like I’m doing anything when so much of the corporate world is set against liberation and equity.

I don’t know if I am searching for teaching jobs here because I have met good friends and people that I want to stay in contact with or because this is actually my goal. But maybe my life goals are just to be with people I love and who love me. I know that there really isn’t a set location for something like that. And with covid, I’m not sure that I’ll be hired anywhere right after graduation anyways. I have 4 months of school….

Thinking about life in the US gives me a lot of pain, but I also know I’ll be okay. I’ll be with my sister and mom and while it may not be as active as my life is here, I will be in a home that I’m familiar with. I’ll have my sister to sleep by and bother when I get bored. But I also know she’ll be busy with her courses and internships and that’s okay, too. The future is so unsure.

My internship for the fall is in marketing with a publishing company. My resume is honestly all over the place. Advocacy, educational policy, marketing… Where am I going??? I guess it’s good to figure out what I do and don’t like and I’m only 21 right now… But I’ll be 22 soon and one of the Korean Americans said that it’s in your mid-twenties that your resume can start to box you in. What does that mean? I feel like it’s honestly about the connections you have. Which sucks. And most jobs (at least in the US) are given based on previous relationships with people, even if they are posted online.

While I’m home, I want to reevaluate my goals. Who do I want to stay in contact with? Where do I want to end up? What do I want to put my energy into? How do I feel more positive about my self and realize very few people have set plans right after college? I’m doing alright. I shouldn’t compare myself to others. It never helps. It’s okay for me to be flexible and unsure.

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In other news, today was a good day. I had waffles with my old roommate and we walked around in the rain. We watched Kim Jiyoung: Born 1982 and then had 순대국. She’s 27 and was furloughed from her previous job in the travel industry. She can’t return to her boyfriend’s house in Singapore because of the travel restrictions and is looking for work in Korea and anywhere she can. Right now she’s doing a Korean language school. Later, I went and visited the Chinese adoptee who lives with her boyfriend and 2 dogs. Being around animals is so comforting and I miss my cats more when I see other pets. But I also know I’m allergic to them. 😥 Pros and cons, I guess. But whenever I see her, 50% of the conversation is about her dogs. This time I talked to her boyfriend more and he was nice. He’s studying to get into the public engineering sector and is also 27. She’s 25 and has been here for a few years. I don’t think she wants to stay, but she will until February at least. I wish I was more relaxed about my future like she is. She seems to just go with the flow. I’m back home now and it’s 10:44. I just ate some of the potato soup my landlady made and I’ll read The Alchemist, which my old roommate lent me. Today, walking in the rain felt nice. And that was enough for me.

I used to imagine my life in metaphors. I was on the bus earlier and just remember the hope that I felt making these up. Like my life was a book and the way the rain fell was a metaphor for the way things would always fall, be unexpected, etc. but people keep going. It’s silly, but thinking like this makes me feel like life is worth living. Sometimes I question why literature and music and art are important, but then I think back to why I romanticize the world. It’s about feeling hopeful for the future. And I’m grateful that I have people in my life to remind me about that.

I talked to a therapist today. She said to be gentle with myself when I’m feeling overwhelmed or fearful of the future and notice when my body is giving me physical cues about my mental distress. It sounds simple, but it’s so hard for me to do.

Things that she reassured me about:

• It’s normal to want community and stability. You’re not selfish for looking for that and it does often dictate where people move. That’s how humans work and it’s okay.
• I feel most valued and loved and supported when I’m doing work for and with a community I care about. With everything virtual right now, it is understandable that I am feeling alone, but community building is changing to accommodate this.
• It’s okay to want a community to support you and also want to have a better relationship with yourself so that you can feel supported when you’re alone.
• It’s okay to be sad and still hopeful for the future. But know that I have a lot ahead of me and that this uncertainty will pass.
• I am worthy even when I don’t feel like it. I don’t have to do something big or noteworthy to take up space in this world. It’s okay
• It’s okay to make goals and not know exactly how you’ll reach them. You’ll figure it out day by day.
• Being in the moment is hard when there are so many things in the future to think about. It’s okay to not be perfect at that.

My goals for now:

• Enjoy the time I have left here with people I care about
• Eventually get a job that makes me economically stable and fulfills me in the advocacy field
• Reach out to people when I need support and know that I’m not too much of a burden
• Be kind to myself and talk to myself like I would to a friend

Lately, I’ve been thinking about what I’ll do once I graduate. Do I want to go into the non-profit sphere and get a low income, but do fulfilling work? Or try to teach abroad? Or go to a big city and go into corporate? I’m lost and I keep worrying that I’m not doing enough with my life. I’ve been waking up with so much anxiety and dread about what I’ll do today. Am I doing anything meaningful? Am I contributing the way that I should? That I want to? I have no idea. I want to feel fulfilled and happy with the work I’m doing. But I also hate how unsure everything is with covid and working from home and missing my friends from college.

I miss freshman year. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I didn’t have as much pressure to find a job immediately. I want to do an internship that may lead me to a job, but I also don’t know what exactly I want to do, so that’s not very helpful either. I have a dream that I will end up in a city doing non-profit advocacy work and be with friends often and eventually get married and be financially stable. But that’s just a dream and a very vague one. I don’t know exactly how to get there. I don’t want to end up in my small town back home. But maybe it wouldn’t be so bad going to the city in my state? I’m not sure. I don’t have a lot of connections there.

I worry that I missed out on building that network since I went to school across the country. But I also am so grateful for all the people I met and the opportunities that I’ve had. I am scared to “measure my life in teaspoons” as Prufrock said. I want a predictable life in some ways; I mean who doesn’t want financial and emotional stability? But I also want to measure my life by joy and love and the connections I have with people. Maybe I’ve been around too many people who view life only in terms of monetary gain and economic value. I want to make a change in the world and be happy with my day-to-day life. I want to wake up happy and fulfilled with the people around me. I hate the instability that covid has brought and the separation from family and friends.

Is this just adulthood? Constant uncertainty and being directionless? I really don’t understand how people create such large goals for themselves. Mine are so small and vague. How should I plan for what comes next? I’ve been looking at fall internships and trying to do informational interviews with alumni I know and posting on Facebook groups about topics I’m interested in. But I really truly feel empty sometimes. I only feel whole when I’m laughing with friends or being around other people. I miss life before covid.

I was talking to some Korean adoptees I met here the other day. We all agreed that when we love, we tend to love hard. Meaning, we invest so much time and energy into a relationship that sometimes it becomes unhealthy for both parties. And I think it’s hard for me to distinguish myself from my relationships with the people around me. Maybe this goes back to the looking-glass self. The idea that I am who you think who I think who you think I am. But I desperately crave stability and validation and unconditional love in terms of romantic and platonic friendships.

In terms of romantic relationships, one Korean adoptee was explaining how even though you can have an emotional and intellectual bond with someone, practical life decisions come in the way of being/staying in a relationship with a person. That’s hard for me to accept. I think it’s so easy for me to change my own life circumstances to fit into the lives of others. And that’s not healthy, but when someone becomes important to me I tend to follow them where I can. I’ve been taught by movies and books and media that love conquers all and sometimes that just isn’t true. Sometimes it’s location or family desires or education or day-to-day expectations that don’t line up and that’s okay. It’s okay to not end up with someone because you aren’t sure what you want to do.

I am in my early 20s. I know things are variable. I know I will move around a lot and probably get my heart broken many more times. But I wish I wasn’t viewed as a “practice relationship” for people and instead someone wanted to stay with me because they realized… I don’t know, that they want me in their life. The other adoptee I met kept saying you’re only another heartbreak away from heaven. But am I really? Does love have to quantify my life? Is there anybody who is in their early twenties who actually is looking for a serious relationship like I am? How do I want to define if my life is successful? We are all stuck in this capitalistic society. Can I skate by doing nonprofit work or is it necessary for me to sell my soul to corporate and find other ways that make life fulfilling? Is financial stability worth doing work I’m not passionate about? There’s a lot to think about. I just worry that I won’t have enough time before I realize I messed up. But who defines “messed up?” And why do I have to adhere to their definition of life? Can’t I be happy enjoying the little day-to-day things? I don’t know.

I have less than a month left in Korea. I’m not exactly sure what I want to do next. I thought that maybe I had found a significant other and that would help me pick a place to end up. But things didn’t work out and that’s okay. I think I just love so hard. I have never really picked a place just for me. My life decisions/events about my location have either been out of my control (international adoption, losing a house, etc.) or based off of the location of people I love. And I think that’s okay. But it’s hard now when my friends are so spread out. I feel like most of my friends are on the east coast. I don’t think I can live abroad for a long time yet. Maybe I’ll change my mind.

I love Korea and it’s beautiful and convenient. But I want to feel stable and loved. I don’t need the dream job or best salary, but I need to feel like I belong. I thought being in Korea would be okay because it was another east asian country and I knew at least one other person here. And I do know I belong somehow in the greater world. I’ve been talking with other friends and adoptees about their career paths and feelings of belonging. It helps calm me down. I am only in my early 20s and I will go through many heartbreaks and life changes and it’s okay to not have everything “figured out.” I crave stability, but I also am learning that it’s okay to be happy in a moment.

Sometimes I want to just go home early and stop this interim period. But when else will I have this chance? When else will I be in another country and not have a job tying me down? I guess I could decide to just take a gap year later in life too, but I’m trying to enjoy myself now.

I’ve realized however, that I hate being alone. I’m so bad at being with myself and I pack my schedule with meal appointments with friends or hangouts or calls. Why? I think it goes back to being wanted and craving a sense of belonging. I need validation that I’m worthy of being with others. And that’s a hard way to live. It’s a stressful way to live always being busy. But I’m aware of it now. I’m sure I’ll have more than enough time alone at home when I return.

School starts in a few weeks. My last semester. I’m ready to graduate and just be done with college but I’m also still mourning the time I could have had. That’s okay. I’ll keep seeing a therapist and talking it out. I will keep growing. I saw a quote recently: “I know love exists because I exist and I am full of it.” I will continue to love.

Yesterday, when I went out with a friend, she asked if I ever thought about being a victim of human trafficking. Of course it hurts to think about, but I know it’s probably true. The whole process of adopting children from other countries (without helping to provide the infrastructure for those countries to care for the children in the first place) is exploitative in a way.

This isn’t to say that I’m not grateful for my family or feel loved and happy with my mom and sister or my life in the states. But I, personally, can’t ignore the trauma of adoption when thinking about my relationships with other people. I know my sister has no desire to go back to China and find her birth parents and that is alright. Every adoptee processes their life differently.

For me though, the fact that I was taken away from my birth heritage, family, and culture hurts. And I realize that I look for a sense of belonging in other people instead of feeling at home by myself. I need the validation of others to know that I’m safe, and good enough, and worthy. I should know that my life is enough and I am enough. But never feeling like I fit in anywhere has been a constant struggle for me. I tend to rely on romantic relationships in order to fill that gap. Which isn’t healthy. It’s so easy for me to prioritize other people instead of thinking about what I really want. If I don’t have to think about my own happiness and can focus on making others happy, then I must be doing something right, right? The problem comes when I’m alone or broken up with or away from friends and family.

I’m forever grateful for the people who have constantly reached out during hard times and for the calls and facetimes my friends and family have with me. I know that being in my early 20s is a transitory stage in my life, but I wish that I could have somebody who I know is going to see me through it. And I romanticize the idea of a romantic partner because… That’s the narrative that I’ve been fed my whole life. If you meet someone and get married and start a family, then you’ll feel fulfilled. You’ll feel like you have a purpose. But what is my purpose? What makes me happy? Where do I feel at home?

I tend to follow significant others instead of really thinking about what I want to do with my life. Because in my mind, it’s easier to be with someone you love and figure it out rather than being alone and starting from scratch. But that isn’t fair to the other person and it isn’t fair to myself. I am a whole person alone.

My therapist from high school didn’t tell me this until our last few sessions, but she diagnosed me with Reactive Attachment Disorder. I always thought my anxiety and depression were separate cases, but she explained that the way I process the events around me are inherently affected by adoption trauma. And it makes sense. I think about how I cling onto people, even when I know it’s best to let them go. I don’t want to be abandoned again. Isn’t it enough to lose your biological family and culture? Why do I have to lose somebody that I care for as well? But this mindset isn’t healthy.

You can still love someone without being in a romantic relationship with them. It’s not easy and it sucks and it hurts being alone again. But that doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t full of happy memories. It hurts because it meant something. And although it wasn’t meant to last, that doesn’t make it less valuable. I always learn something from everyone I meet. And I guess the biggest takeaway for me here is that I’ll be okay. I deserve to be happy alone. I deserve stability and kindness and love. I need to spend more time giving these things to myself. But it’s hard when I’ve spent my whole life looking for it from others. It’s a work in progress.

It’s 9:30 right now. I’m tired and spent a few hours crying. I just feel so overwhelmed and sad and hopeless. Covid really is not going away in the states anytime soon and I wish that the pandemic would end. I want to go home and change my visa and come back. But that doesn’t seem possible anytime soon. I’ll be back by September, probably. I want to stay in Korea. I want to feel like I belong. But I also know I need to really improve my Korean in order to do this.

Today I was so embarrassed in a restaurant. Usually I go out to eat with friends, but today I went to a new place where they sell tonkatsu for less than $3. It’s served with rice, miso soup, and salad and it is definitely worth the money. But when the server asked me what I wanted, I just froze. Being a non-Korean Asian gives me so many disadvantages here, but I also know I’m privileged to be a US citizen. Identity fluctuates and depends on your environment and the people around you as much as how you self-identify. And here I may look like I fit in at first, but I’m still very much an outsider. It’s a different type of feeling than being a POC in the US, but here… maybe a little more lonely because I don’t have friends and stability. If I could stay here longer and knew that I had a future here, I would feel better. But nothing is guaranteed. Nobody knows what is going to happen. No relationships are going to escape being impacted by covid.

I used to be really against teaching English abroad, but the more I learn about the Korean education system and the role that English plays internationally, the more I want to live abroad. I’m getting TEFL certified, doing an internship with a local non-profit in NY, helping a Korean nonprofit with their annual report, doing a externship with AT&T, and trying to figure out what I can do this fall.

I’ve decided I will do the semester online. I’ll graduate next semester and I can’t imagine going back to campus. I need to figure out how to ship my stuff back home though and I know that will be expensive. I have relied on my friends to help with storage, but I need someone else in my college town who I trust (and has a car) to help me ship the essential things back.

Now that the semester is over, it’s nice to have more free time. But it’s also hard without a structure in place. I want to sleep all day, but then I feel guilty for not being productive and I know that I have work to do. I signed myself up for so many things but I also feel so worthless.

I want to travel and have my friends visit and explore and be with my family and feel like I’m doing something right with my life. But I don’t know what I’m doing and I feel selfish for wanting to stay here.

In the beginning of the month, I took a trip with my language partner to her hometown in Ulsan. We also took a day-trip to Busan and Gyeongju. Once you’re outside of Seoul, you don’t hear much English. None of the local transportation had any English announcements/signs and many residents are older, so they don’t have as much of a need for it. Being outside of the city also made me realize how many older people there really are in Korea. I knew it was an aging population, but it was surprising to me since I had been around mostly young people in Seoul.

The seaside in Korea is beautiful, though. The water is clear and there are both rocky and sandy beaches. Lots of beautiful places to walk around and a lot more traditional markets. My language partner’s mom owns a cat cafe right by the sea and so I was able to have so many delicious snacks and beverages. Her family was really kind and generous. Her mother’s boyfriend talked to me in English and was very proud of it. They always ate good food and would stay up late and drink. I’m not a huge fan of alcohol, so I usually had juice. There were 15 cats in total that live at the cafe, so it was nice to cuddle with some animals. I miss them already. It seems like a really peaceful life.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I know I want people around me who make me feel like I belong. I know I want to love and be loved and feel like what I’m doing matters. I get that here, but I know that I could get that in the states as well. It’s just not where I want to be right now, though. But during my college years, I’ve learned that I’ll be okay wherever I go. I may not be happy with it at first, but I adapt. Everyone has to adapt to live in their circumstances.

I moved to a new place and the landlady is really nice. She’s 65 and very active. She goes on walks and attends church every Sunday. She only knows Korean, so I communicate in my broken Konglish and translate on my phone. She is very patient and kind. She also cooks for me and the other 3 girls here. Sometimes she secretly cooks me a meal. I think she believes I can’t cook for myself. Whenever I cook, she always adds things to it and although I appreciate it, I feel so self-conscious about it. Today when I came back after working at a cafe, she gave me some homemade grape juice and potato pancakes.

The other girls I live with are funny and interesting as well. One girl is from Japan, but she recently got laid off because of covid, so she’ll be returning next month. 😦 One girl is from Norway and her boyfriend is Korean. She’s attending a Korean language program here so she can go to school for psychology. One girl is from Singapore and she is in her late-twenties/early-thirties. She graduated when she was 25 and worked, but not is studying Korean at Sogang like the Norwegian girl. Her boyfriend is back home and she doesn’t really know when she’ll head back yet.

This blog post doesn’t really have a direction. My mom just commented that I haven’t posted in a while and I felt like I should. I’ve started a new checklist system and it stresses me out, but also feels good to look at my priorities written down.

Questions that I’m thinking about:

• How much student debt is reasonable to pay off? How do I even start that process?
• What is a good salary? What’s the minimum I need to make to be happy and stable?
• What kind of job do I see myself doing?
• What makes me happy?
• What is a reasonable amount for me to spend on myself? On this semester? On my cost of living?
• Who can I surround myself that will support me unconditionally? How can I do the same for them?
• Why do I feel the need to be validated by outside relationships? Am I uncomfortable with being alone?
• What motivates me? What makes me feel good and hopeful about life?
• How will I be doing my courses in Korea? Will the time difference really throw me off?
• Why do I view food so negatively? I am okay with my body, but I still view food in a good/bad binary. I need to focus on nourishing myself and thinking about my health.
• What are the pros/cons of going abroad? What would retirement look like? I’m only 21, but I have no idea about that process.
• How to manage stress when it constantly feels like I’m being suffocated? How do I live in the moment? How do I go to a cafe and work without worrying about the money I am spending there? But isn’t it healthy to think about money? What is normal? How do I budget when I also know I have student debt waiting to be paid off?

Goals:

• Stay off social media. Take a break/decrease screen time
• Study Korean for an hour a day
• Work on my internship. Project is due by August
• Finish my TEFL course outline. Ideally by the end of the week.
• Work on the annual report and analyze other non-profits’ as examples
• work on the externship (last week!)
• Calm down and enjoy my time here
• Don’t think too much about the future, but also take care of myself/my future…. How???
• Continue calling my mom and sister
• Continue doing yoga with the interns I met from DC
• Go out to eat with friends and don’t feel too guilty about it
• Set a schedule for myself: Wake up, eat, exercise, shower, work, social time, bedtime, etc.

This was just a whole lot of unconnected thoughts and I haven’t proof-read it at all. I just needed to get some things off my chest.

It feels like so much has happened, and yet nothing has changed. I feel like I’ve been in Seoul for years, and then just a few days. I don’t want to leave, but I want to be home. I don’t want to miss the food, the friends, and the memories I’ve made here. But I also hate how unpredictable everything is right now. I don’t know how this will go. I really wish I could just graduate and suddenly figure out my job and career path. I wish I could be happy automatically and find solace wherever I go. But things aren’t that easy.

Asian American Alliance is making a statement on BLM and I’ve been frustrated because I feel like I’m the only one speaking in the groupchat. But I also understand everyone is busy. However, the co-president just saw all the messages and work put in and hasn’t even thanked us. It frustrates me. I don’t know what to do.

My school also offered students studying abroad about $500 for covid-relief study abroad expenses, so we’ll see if I’m able to get that funding. I also applied to a stipend program where I’d get $900 for working with a non-profit (TNKR) unpaid, so I hope that I get that as well, but I won’t know until late June. I also won’t get my financial aid package until July?? So I wish I knew what to do. Reslife also just announced they’re going to cut the amount of students who are coming back to campus, so they won’t be hiring as many RAs. I don’t know how that’ll affect my position. Ugh. I don’t know if I will be an AA. I don’t know anything.

I’m just so frustrated and I almost cried in architecture the other day. I just feel so out of place here and I know if I studied Korean more it would be easier, but I just don’t have the motivation. My Korean sucks and I know my final will be 25% of my final grade so….. yikes. But I’ll just take it pass/fail. I want to stay and fit in, but I know I won’t. Why am I here? What is the point? But also, I love the food and the friends I’ve made and the outdoor markets and I just… wish I could have experienced this in China. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go for years because they’re not even allowing US citizens into the country at the moment. And I lost all my Chinese anyways…. So….. pointless…..

I’m working on my leisure final and I have to study for Korean and Irish literature. I don’t know exactly how finals will go, but I hope it goes alright.

Random, but the cereal here has some yellow dye in it and it makes the liquid you pour into it yellow. So weird… I also have been craving tteokbokki every day for some reason. Ah! Not good for my diet or budget. I’ve been letting myself eat out more though. The food prices are not as bad as the US and I have decided to just enjoy my time here. I still get really anxious spending money, but I also want to just live without constantly having mini anxiety spikes just because I want to eat something good.