I keep hearing that undergrad is the most carefree time that people have in their lifetime. That makes me sad, but I also know it’s probably not true. College is not the end of my time laughing with friends or discovering new passions. I think college is so romanticized by the media as a time for new discovery and friends and love. Which it is. But ageism and nostalgia make people reminisce about these days rather than focusing on what they can do in the present.

Obviously having my last semester of college during a pandemic isn’t what I anticipated. But I’m grateful for the 2.5 years I had at my college, the semester I studied abroad, and this semester. It’s hard staying in contact with friends, but I just got off a 4 hour phone call with some girls from my scholarship program. I know that I will always be able to count on them for support and love and friendship. That’s what makes me happy. Even if we don’t talk every day or even every week, I know that there are people who will pick up my call when I need it.

My mom also mentioned that this will be the last few months of us as a family for a while, which hurt. I know my sister is getting ready to apply to graduate school and I am applying for international jobs. I hope that my mom is alright by herself for a while. She has more than enough things to crochet. I think the idea of me leaving and not returning for a longer period of time (like I’m able to do in college) is really apparent to me now. I didn’t have to worry about it so much when I was younger. I knew that my mom would be there when she could.

Growing up means that you also realize your parents were growing older with you. It’s hard to realize when you’re younger, but as I’ve gotten older I have gained a lot of respect for my mom. I may not have communicated it in all the right ways, but she has been through a lot of difficult times and still has managed to keep a roof over our heads. I know that nothing in this life is easy, but I am grateful for all that she has provided my sister and me.

Having health issues come up over and over again throughout my life (whether it be my mom’s or grandmother’s or mine or my sister’s) has made me realize how eerily fragile our bodies are. And it’s scary having to navigate a world that has all the potential to hurt us. But humans are resilient. And maybe it is because of our ability to reminisce that we can form hope for something better. Reflecting on memories of love and compassion and community is important.

I wonder about this a lot. I think about what it would be like to not struggle with clinical anxiety or depression or reactive attachment disorder. I don’t think any of these labels are fixed and everyone who experiences them goes through their own struggles. Lately I’ve been trying to wean myself off antidepressants. But I also know that there isn’t anything inherently wrong with taking them if they really help. I just have been feeling a lot of shame and guilt thinking about how they will affect my future job prospects or professional image and it frustrates me a lot.

I have been on anxiety/depression medication for over half my life at this point. I wrote my first suicide note when I was five and used to tell my mom that I wanted to walk into traffic so that I could be with my grandpa. When I was younger, I think medication was really the only thing that helped me cope with my overwhelming anxiety.

I talked with my mom about how I was and honestly, it makes me sad thinking about any kid having to experience that. I would freak out over any unanticipated change and couldn’t control my panic attacks. I would hide it so well when I was at school or even when I was at therapy. But once my mom filmed my breakdown in the fourth grade, my therapist immediately said that I needed a different medication. My mom says that I became a different kid. She says she feels guilty that if I had been diagnosed earlier I wouldn’t have to go through all the anxiety before. But it’s not her fault. Nobody could have known. I hid it pretty well in public, so nobody suspected how bad it really was. And she had started antidepressants a year before she adopted me. The stigma around mental health has stopped so many people from getting the help they need.

I switched dosages once I got back to the states and consulted my doctor. I mean, I’ve always struggled with depression, but I think I just feel a lot more sleepy now, even when I sleep more than enough. I hope my body adjusts soon.

I’m in a Korean learning class that another adoptee is hosting for free on Zoom. I definitely am a novice and even though I have friends who are native speakers, I worry that I am not good enough to even try. Which defeats the purpose of learning in the first place, but I think I have a fear of just getting things wrong. But the older I get, the more I realize that there isn’t really a “right” way to do things. I feel silly being so scared, but also the fear of misspeaking feels like it will choke me.

Which brings me to my worries about the rest of my life. I don’t know why I’m struggling so much with it right now, but I keep thinking about pension and how it will work when I retire and how my location affects that. Obviously I have a long ways to go before I’m old enough to retire, but I think having my mom reach that age has brought up a lot of questions for me. I’ve been watching a lot of financial literacy videos on YouTube, but sometimes they bring up more questions than answers. I still have student loans to pay off and I know I should save up enough emergency money before I start putting money away for retirement. I’m almost 22 and I wish that I had more of an entrepreneurial spirit. Maybe once I have a stable job I’ll look more seriously for a side-hustle.

Like I said, money has always been a worry in my life. My mom also grew up living from paycheck-to-paycheck, so none of us ever really learned the best financial practices. I know that I have had enough to eat and at least stay with my family. I think just seeing my mom struggle with debt scares me a lot. And I know that my career may change and that will also impact where I end up, what my salary is, and the kind of lifestyle I want. Nothing is ever set in stone and it seems so silly to me that I thought that it was. I wish someone had told me earlier. But at some point it became my own responsibility to teach myself. I’m doing the best I can now.

Here are some things that I’ve been pondering lately:

• How does adoption affect the next generation? Do adoptees who have kids also tend to adopt? I know a few people in Facebook groups have also ended up adopting. Does that help their children sort out their emotions and sense of belonging earlier or just complicate it more?
• How is doing my thesis on adoption affecting my views on adoption? I think I’m getting more frustrated. I think I’ve been getting frustrated about a lot of things lately. There is a lot out of my control and writing an annotated bibliography about adoption books seems so arbitrary. But I also know that books helped me immensely when I was younger. I miss that mindset. Now I feel like I’m bombarded with the knowledge that regardless of what I do outside of reading, I will have to face an unjust world.
• I have to find hope and love in the interactions that I can. Sometimes I look at my family and get so deeply sad that we age and grow and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I wish I could have my mom in my life forever. I wish that my sister and I would always be physically close enough that I could just go to her bedroom and do work. But people move and world events change and we have different desires in life. I just worry so much about losing people and feeling helpless. I know that I have a choice in how I move in this world. Is there a right answer? There’s a stable one. But I don’t want to stay in this small town forever. I don’t think I could stand it.
• Here’s an essay I wrote recently about some works by Audre Lorde and Frantz Fanon. It’s more personal than a usual academic essay, but it’s a glimpse into what I’ve been thinking about lately. It’s not fully formed and I need to go through some edits, but it expresses a lot of my frustrations lately.

“The Uses of the Erotic” dives into the intricacies of how sexuality and the erotic have simultaneously made someone inferior or weaker, while also being suspected of having power to wreak havoc on Western society. Audre Lorde argues that pornography is a “direct denial of the power of the erotic, for it represents the suppression of true feeling” (Lorde, 1978, p. 1). This makes me question the way that we are brought up to believe that women should always be pleasing men. The idea of the housewife and female caretaker are deeply rooted in the denial of a woman’s power. When I was in middle school, one of my teachers said that one of the reasons men have oppressed women for so long is because of their fear. They fear how women can give birth and carry on generations. This idea sticks with me and informs the way that I think about this question. 

It also makes me wonder about those who do sex work or pornography for a living. Isn’t that also a reclamation of power and pleasure? But Lorde depicts how the spiritual world has been flattened to a world of ascetic in pornography, where one “aspires to feel nothing” (Lorde, 1978, p. 3). Or maybe she means that the porn industry has a tendency to reduce people to “objects of satisfaction” rather than imagining them complexly (Lorde, 1978, p. 5). 

Lorde’s definition of erotic is much different than I learned. She believes that we have learned only to view sex as erotic and capitalism has taken away the “erotic power and life appeal and fulfillment” that every day work also has (Lorde, 1978, p. 2). The erotic is not constrained to sexual occasions. It is the “measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings,” which ultimately makes all the things we do on a daily basis worth doing (Lorde, 1978, p. 1). Rather than just getting by and earning wages, the erotic allows us to fully immerse ourselves in our experiences and live uninhibitedly. I have been struggling lately with this idea and Lorde is able to articulate my frustrations with the way the US frames jobs. I aspire to do work that fulfills me and uplifts my community. But oftentimes community work, activism, and work in the education sphere is underfunded, under resourced, and under supported. Get Out and “The Fact of Blackness” also touch on how racial constraints impact one’s ability to be in touch with their eroticism. If we are always struggling to survive, how can we let ourselves experience joy? But Lorde’s definition of the erotic as “creative energy empowered” builds hope in me (Lorde, 1978, p. 3). We are not constrained by a capitalist future because we can build better. I still struggle with thinking about how I, on an individual scale, can do this. Can I really feel like my role as a future teacher will help those around me when I have grown up in a society that primarily rewards capitalism, exploitation, and overworking oneself to keep those in power in power? 

The erotic allows us to connect with people and ease the fear of differences. It reminds us of our capacity to fully express and feel our emotions and that being satisfied and fulfilled is possible by ourselves. One of the quotes that touched me was: “For as we begin to recognize our deepest feelings, we begin to give up, of necessity, being satisfied with suffering and self-negation, and with the numbness which so often seems like their only alternative in our society” (Lorde, 1978, p. 4). Fanon also speaks about how racism creates a world where a Black man cannot just be Black, but must also be “black in relation to the white man” (Fanon, x, p. 83). This ensnares people into boxes that they must define themselves by, a system that imposes itself on the oppressed. Rather than living as a Black individual who must live and find the erotic, now the White man has other expectations that objectify Black bodies. The pain of being stripped of your humanity and compassion runs deep and it hurts the one who dehumanizes you as well. Where is their erotic? 

Cara spoke about how “desire was hard to trust” after seeing family violence and struggling in a capitalist racist patriarchal system (Brown, 2019, p. 2). I think this is something most people have to unravel, especially those who have grown up in a world where they may have been neglected, abused, or abandoned. Fanon said “an anti-Semite is inevitably anti-N****” (Fanon, 2019, p. 92).

As an adoptee, I reflect on my own relationships with friends, families, teachers, etc. and I realize that most of it was motivated by fear. The fear of being not good enough or abandoned again. The fear of being deemed unworthy or miniscule. As I’ve gone through the CSCRE courses in colleges, I’ve done a lot of healing and unlearning. Knowing more about concepts such as Lorde’s definition of eroticism and what it means to be kind to yourself in a trauma-informed way are things that all people should learn. Compassion, fully feeling for and wanting the best for others, and taking action with that, is what I want and what I hope we can come to. This idea is complicated when people fetishize you, tell you to “go back where [you] belong” and mark you out as undeniably inferior (Fanon, 2019, p. 86). 

The idea of saying, “I love myself,” in the mirror holds a lot of shame for me. Like Fanon said, we are told all our lives that we are “hated, despised, detested, not by the neighbor across the street or my cousin on my mother’s side, but by an entire race” (Fanon, 2019, p. 89). It is so powerful that Cara learned from a young age how important self-worth is. I think I have a lot of shame about being an adoptee, someone who grew up with such close proximity to Whiteness, but will never benefit in the same ways from it. I know that I grew up with privileges such as access to a good library, annual dentists’ appointments, and teachers who really cared about my growth. I feel guilty for having this and I wonder how much of it can be labelled as “White guilt” or “proximity-to-whiteness guilt.” I know that I also dealt with the prejudice that Fanon speaks about in “Black Skin, White Masks,” where POC are judged more harshly for their mistakes and taken for granted. 

I especially struggle with this thinking about how international relations work and how I came to the US. There was an abundance of child trafficking, forced sterilizations, and family separation going on in China, which caused the many international adoptions to occur. And it wasn’t until I went abroad to Asia that I started to process this. How does this background affect my erotic power? How do I fully experience my emotions and desire for a better world when I have not yet processed my own trauma and guilt? 

As someone who has struggled with an eating disorder, the idea of “tak[ing] up space, and show[ing] pleasure, show[ing] fear, show[ing] anger” unapologetically is something I also aspire to (Brown, 2019, p. 5). The speaker of “The Fact of Blackness” is “rehabilitated” as he has recognized that he must accept his Blackness and “embrace the world” for he is the world (Fanon, 2019, p. 97). These texts are meant for all marginalized communities and are a culmination of bitterness and resistance against an Empire of White supremacy and capitalism.

So much of my own liberation is due to the work that Black folks have been doing for decades. The interviewer says, “We’re not meant to suffer alone. We’re meant to experience pleasure and togetherness” and that ultimately is what I aim to do (Brown, 2019, p. 7). Through the destruction of systems that demonize or declare marginalized communities as inferior, we have to learn how to build community. I often think about my life philosophy and although it is easy to give into rage and grief, I want to lead with love.

I would like to say that I feel comfortable getting back into a school routine, but I can’t say that I do. Today I led another Asian American Alliance meeting and honestly, I miss seeing my friends so much. I didn’t realize how much I had taken study sessions, platonic cuddling, hugs, and waves in the hallways for granted.

It was so good to laugh with people though. I feel the most at home with a set community and having biweekly meetings is hard, but I also don’t want to put too much pressure on the eboard or gbody members to keep coming when I know remote learning is hard. I’m glad there are new freshmen who attend and a lot of them are actually adoptees as well. I have never met as many Asian adoptees as I have in college. It’s wild. I also discovered someone else in my class is an international adoptee after we shared our stories. For some reason, that’s comforting.

I’ve been staying in with my mom and sister. My sister got a covid test yesterday. I hope everything is alright, but both she and my mom have cold symptoms. It might just be a cold, but she hasn’t gotten her flu shot either. We’ll get the results back soon. Thinking about how much healthcare costs in the US stresses me out. I’ll be under my mom’s insurance until I’m 25, but I should get a stable job that provides good coverage otherwise even going to the dentist will be unimaginably costly.

Remote classes make everything seem so inconsequential. It’s so intangible and I don’t get the same satisfaction of interacting with my peers or professor. I am so motivated by outside validation that being alone with my list of assignments just feels like I’m waiting to be crushed. I’ll get through it. A little over two months.

I’ve been speaking with a lot of recruiters and schools lately. I hope that I can get a job abroad soon. I have a few interviews this week and some next week. My friend, who I had a virtual study session with, said something that really stuck with me. He said that he doesn’t really mind what job he’s doing as long as he has free time to do things that he enjoys outside of it. But I have a hard time thinking like that. I think that’s another reason why I find remote learning so hard. I want everything I do to feel like it has a larger meaning, like I’m making steps towards a better world or that I’m impacting someone positively. And I don’t want to be stuck in a job I dislike just to get to do things I enjoy on the weekends. I want to enjoy all parts of my life. Am I being selfish saying that? Am I being unrealistic? How far in the future should I worry about these things?

I know it’ll be okay eventually. I know that I’ll find a job and have friends and have happy moments wherever I am. It’s okay. I just have to breathe. Talk to people I love. Realize that all life has inherent value.

I hate moving around. And yet, I constantly find myself doing it. My skin is itchy and I have a rash on my back. I feel like I’m allergic to the US. I feel like no matter where I go, I will always end up telling myself that there is nowhere in the world that I belong. But isn’t that such a privilege? To have the time to worry about this? It’s not like I’m rich, but I also don’t have to work 3 or 4 jobs to eat or keep a roof over my head. I struggle with feeling like my emotions are justified.

My thesis for English is on international/interracial adoption and continuing to do research on it has just made me more sensitive, I suppose. I am reading about so many other adoptees and their struggles and their lives and their feelings of racial melancholia. Here are a few articles I really found compelling. The first is more of a narrative approach from a Chinese American adoptee, connecting the author’s own experiences to how she processed Celeste Ng’s novel. The second is by a Korean American adoptee who analyzes three different books on interracial adoption in the US.

I looked up more on the second author and he has a very interesting blog as well. I’ll try to follow him more. He has gone to Ivy Leagues in the US as a first-generation college student, taught abroad in Korea on a Fulbright scholarship, taught himself Korean, and is now hoping to be an English professor. I don’t desire to be a professor, but it makes me feel comforted to know that other adoptees also have found a way to express themselves through literature or reading or writing.

In this transient state of being, what can we grasp onto to keep us motivated? Community is what reading comes down to. The connection between the author and the reader, the reader with other readers, the world with the ideas that books present… There are so many intangible ways that books are able to shape our lives, but the ideas that they foster are seen in very real policy, practice, and actions. It’s rather mind-boggling.

I guess the point of all of this is to say that there will never be a perfect place that I fit in. And the way that I choose to identify or the way that others choose to identify me will always impact that. Literature has been a way to help me understand that in some ways. The loneliness of feeling alone is eased by the words of someone, somewhere, in some distant (or not-so-distant) time. So thanks for being part of my community.

Things that have made me happy lately:

• The warmth of my blankets in bed
• The sound of loved one’s voices on the phone
• Long distance friendships and love
• Being able to cook with my sister
• Professors who are understanding
• Flowers and art

Things that inspire me:

• Travelling with loved ones
• Love in all forms
• Community

It’s hard to see how some of the courses I’m taking right now will relate to my future. I am feeling restless and just want to go back to Korea. I think it’s just hard returning to school after having been off for a while. Especially when I can’t go to study groups or see my professors in person… I’m a very person-oriented thinker and being around others is what motivates me. Being isolated at home isn’t the best for my mental health or motivations. But I know that this will pass. I know that other people are going through similar experiences.

It’s strange. Although I feel disconnected from my friends, sometimes it’s hard for me to reply to them. I just feel exhausted for no reason. I think I need to take time off social media. But that’s also difficult because I look at Facebook for job postings as well. It’s been difficult for me to balance my schoolwork with my desire to just start applying for jobs all day. Imagining the future has been all I do these past few days. Hopefully I can learn to appreciate the moments here as well.

It’s raining here, like always. Being back home and seeing my sister’s dirty dishes and mom’s cluttered workspace gets me upset. I just have to tell myself that I won’t be here forever. I miss having my own space, even if it was just a room. I don’t have anywhere here where I feel at home either. What a strange thing to think about.

When I was at the airport leaving for Korea I remember crying on the phone with my friend. I was questioning why I was even leaving and was so heartbroken over not being able to go to China. And now I’m homesick for a country that I was only in for maybe 7 months. Can I even say homesick? What is another word that encompasses the feeling of yearning for a place that isn’t yours to call home?

I cried a lot before coming back to the states. It was a mixture of dreading school, missing the people I came to love, and the anxiety of not knowing what is in the future. This was coupled with the fear of the fires and the US’s reaction to Covid. When I cry it feels like I don’t have control over when my tears come. I don’t want to cry, but my emotions are so close to the surface that I can’t help it.

I can never sleep on the plane. No matter how long the flight is, my anxiety just keeps me up. At some point it’s like I can feel my heartbeat getting faster and faster because I’m so aware of my own exhaustion. But I still can’t sleep. And then I end up getting grumpy later. But today I tried to hold it in. I watched 4 movies, most of them were Korean, and then just played Mahjong and listened to music. I had to transfer through Canada and I was scared that my flight would have troubles since Canada isn’t allowing foreign nationals into the country. But since I stayed in the airport, it was alright.

I was randomly screened for an agricultural test to make sure I didn’t bring back any invasive species. It was fine, but I really felt lightheaded at that point. I just wanted to sit down. I wasn’t allowed to use my phone while I waited either. It took maybe 30 minutes to wait and then have them scan my suitcase for any plant/animal objects. I ended up making some TikToks after that and reminiscing about the not-so-distant past.

It hasn’t hit me that I am back. I don’t feel at home here either. Also, I hate cars. I much prefer public transportation. I feel like crawling out of my skin. Being back in this house feels… wrong. Like I don’t belong here and these circumstances make me so uncomfortable. Why? I want to be in an environment where I’m free to choose who I surround myself with. And this small town doesn’t have people that I would reach out to when I want a friend. It reminds me of how restless I felt when I was younger and I understand and empathize with my younger self. I am always looking for people to call home. It’s hard when there’s distance between you and the ones you’re close with. But I know I’ll do my best to make sure they know I’m thinking about them always.

I ended up getting some boba and a banh mi with my sister for a late lunch/dinner. Unpacking and making space for myself in my room (where my mom has stored her crocheting supplies) was tiring. I can’t tell if I want to cry, but I definitely feel heavy. Like a heavy weight on a chest. Different than the tight band of anxiety when I feel pressure to do something. More like the sinking feeling of acceptance.

I will be here for 3 months at least, not going outside much and hoping for a more fulfilling future. I know I should also appreciate these moments, too though. The ones with my sister and mom and trying to enjoy some leisure time when I can. But after already having an online semester in Korea, I miss having those in-person interactions so much more. I didn’t realize how important physical touch was for my friendships until this happened. Just hugging them or sitting together to watch a movie. It’s a different experience when you’re together. But I know I’ll have that again soon. I just have to be creative about connecting with my loved ones right now.

I have a few assignments already coming up and some job applications I should send out. But I worry that I’ll be behind and this worry makes me not even want to start. I know that ultimately I will do it. It’s not a passion to do this work at the moment that is driving me, though. It’s more fear-based. What if I’m not enough? What if I don’t get a job I like? What if my professors don’t like me? These questions aren’t even relevant to the subjects I’ll be learning about, but the fear of being inadequate is so ingrained in me.

I think it’s good to realize this and take a step back. I’m dealing with a lot of things going on right now. It’s okay for me to feel overwhelmed and speak with professors about what is going on. Most are very understanding and willing to work with me until I get things settled, which I appreciate tremendously. I wonder how this will change once I enter the workforce. I hope I work somewhere where I get along well with my supervisor and coworkers. Regardless of the kind of work I’m doing, I want to be surrounded with people that make life a little better.

Some goals for this week:

• Make up hours for my internship
• Reach out to the English dept about the job
• Contact the summer internship coordinator to update her about my availability
• Get prepared to join online classes on Tuesday/whenever I can
• Do more research for my English honors course
• Apply to at least 3 jobs/recruiters this week

Wounded inner child vs. Healthy adult in a connection: a thread

— 🛸 (@mostofmichelle) September 14, 2020

The above is a really interesting thread about healing and creating a healthier mindset. I need to be more mindful in the way that I talk to myself and process the events that are out of my control.

I get so anxious applying to jobs and thinking about my future. I know that the first job I take will not be where I stay for the rest of my life and that I need to explore the opportunities out there. But it’s scary! The world is scary and I want to enjoy my time being alive, but I get paralyzed by the idea that my life needs to look a certain way for me to enjoy it. Obviously, that’s not the case and there are a lot of things I don’t have control over. Agh!!

My flight back home is going to be rough. I have almost a day in Taiwan, but I’ll have to stay in the airport and I’m going to be so tired. I absolutely hate long layovers. I just get so anxious. I’ll also have to let my professors know about this and that I won’t be able to make it to live online courses… I know in the grand scheme of things this next week will be a small thing, but it just feels like my world is blowing up in my face.

I’m going to miss hanging out with friends and wandering around at night. I’ll miss the food and the restaurants. I’ll miss being able to blend into a crowd. I’ll miss hugging people and going to cafes and studying outdoors. I know that I’ll come back to these things. I know that nothing is permanent and I have at least a marginal amount of control over my situation.

I need to be more flexible, though. Here are some things I need to do:

• Email my professors
• Keep up with homework
• Make sure I get my fingerprints done and my background check sent in asap when I get home
• Keep asking the registrar about my diploma/graduation/transcripts
• Continue reaching out to recruiters and job board postings
• Work on my internship stuff… I’ve been kind of slacking on this one because I haven’t had the motivation. I’m so unmotivated because there is no human interaction at all, but I need to hold myself accountable for it.

Writing this out gets me stressed, but it’s good to see it visually represented. I know that I’ll be okay and that people who love me will continue to be by my side as much as they can. It still just feels like my chest is constricting all the time, especially when I first wake up.

I have grown a lot here and I’m so thankful for the people I met. I hope to come back. I hope I can do something meaningful with my life. I struggle most days with feeling like what I do is meaningful. What is my passion? What does it mean for me to do something worthy? Why is it so hard for me to be just happy with day-to-day activities and appreciate the love and sun and fact that I’m alive? I really don’t know and I dread doing online courses for something that may not even be relevant to my future.

I can’t bring myself to write or draw or talk to my friends sometimes. I know that these activities bring me joy, but some days it’s harder than others to convince myself it’s worth it. It’s so easy to wallow. But I know that it’s not what is best for me. I question if this would be any different in another location. Probably not. But I wouldn’t have to worry about a language barrier. But the US also doesn’t feel like home either. Nowhere feels like home unless I’m with people who make me feel like it is. I know that isn’t always great and I’m working on being more at peace with myself, too. I think I just have devalued my own worth that sometimes it’s impossible for me to feel like my life is important.

Sometimes I just randomly cry when I feel overwhelmed by loss. It’s not that anything is wrong, but just that everything is so unstable and unsure right now. I am in a few group chats about working in Korea and I just get overwhelmed. I also am in groups on Facebook about jobs in the US and I don’t know what to do. I used to think I’d want to end up back in DC, but after talking to other people who work in the advocacy space, I don’t think that’s my first step, but I’m not sure. I think those jobs are meaningful, but I also want to be financially stable and being in a big city doing it isn’t realistic.

I talked to my friend today (who is a dual citizen) about doing Teach for America or working here or being a professor and they were really unsure. They think they’ll end up doing TFA. They said Korea is somewhere they want to spend money, but not somewhere they want to work. But if the opportunity came, they would like to be in Asia. The work environment is really tough. That’s what I keep hearing. And I’m scared. I’m scared to leave and I’m scared to come back and I’m scared that I keep moving all the time.

I wish I had a stable career and stable friends and stable loved ones and stable location. I wish I had things figured out. But the more I talk to people, the more I realize that nobody really has it figured out. And that’s scary. I wish someone could just tell me what to do with my life. I feel like I’m a loop, constantly repeating this. But it’s so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been lied to. I thought everyone had it figured out when they graduated.

Can I actually live in a country where I don’t speak the language that well? Is it feasible for me to learn it enough to get by? How would that work for me in terms of building a network of friends and community here? Am I participating in a form of neo-colonialism and displacing people if I teach English? Am I making these decisions selfishly? Is it okay to be selfish? Can I see a future here? Is it okay to be here even if I end up going back to the states if things don’t work out? Will that hurt or help me in the long run? Should I even be thinking about these things or is it better to just go moment by moment? Would I ever pursue graduate school here? Or in the US?

Right when I finally felt stable in Korea, I am moving back. I have a week left here and it hurts so much. I’m going to miss the people I love so much no matter where I go, but I hate the impending loss. Maybe that’s the adoption trauma talking. I have a lot to unlearn and so much more to learn.

Update:

My mom sent me a message and I really appreciated her words.
“What you do in life isn’t nearly as important as who you are in life. The impact you make, the difference you make in the lives of others, has little to do with your job and everything to do with the person you are and the way you treat others. And you have already shown through all of your life that you’re a blessing to those you meet, those you work with, those you care about, those who need love. Focus on how to be the best person you can be, no matter what you do or where you are, and everything else will follow. Sure, working for an advocacy group in DC would potentially impact the lives of others in need. But so would driving a delivery truck and showing love and kindness and sharing wisdom and strength with your customers. It’s who you are, not what you do, that determines your success in life. It’s the lives you touch through your interactions that will make a difference in the world, not which country you choose to live. And home is always going to be wherever you build a family, either marriage and children or me and your sister or friends you love or even a workplace where you find fulfillment. Some families are forever, some are just for a period of time. But all of them will be the better for the blessing of having you be a part, for however long it lasts. That’s who you’ve always been and who you will always be. You just need to recognize that about yourself. I don’t mean to discredit or ignore your anguish. I know how unsettled and insecure you feel. But each step you’ve taken, each choice you’ve made, has led you to today and formed you into this person who cares so very much that you CAN feel anguish about the direction of your life and wonder if your decisions are selfish and question if you’re fulfilling your destiny. If you weren’t already the incredible person you are, you wouldn’t care about any of that. The reason it appears that everyone else already has it all figured out is because they haven’t even asked any of the questions that are overwhelming you. Or maybe they just haven’t shared them. But most folks just carry on doing whatever comes next, sometimes for all of their lives, never asking if they’re on the right path, doing the right thing. Neither way is better than the other, unless it doesn’t lead you forward at all. Believe in who you are. Determine that no matter where life leads you, you’ll continue to be a light and a joy to those you meet, a loving companion to those you care about, and a force of goodness in the world, no matter the sphere you’re in. Practice love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Make those your goal. And you’ll find your way. I love you, forever and ever.”