I was writing a paper for one of my classes about a place I’d like to visit and I started talking about going to China. I teared up a bit thinking about the fact that I probably will have to wait a while before that is even possible and how my mom and sister may not even be able to come with me. I wish I had the financial stability to bring them along and that my mom was physically able to accompany me, but I know it’s not very realistic. Thinking about going to my birth city and doing a biological family search makes me so emotional and I don’t even know if I should. I don’t know if it would cause new questions for me or make me feel worse or if it would help me feel more secure in my identity.

I met a lot of international Asian people here (Koreans who were born abroad and wanted to come back, Korean adoptees visiting, a Chinese adoptee I mentioned before, a Japanese guy who worked in multiple countries and ended up here, etc.) and I know that identity fluctuates and it is okay to be unsure of where I belong. But I wish I had a more solid answer and I wish I could make peace with the fact that I probably won’t know. I guess I’m just really emotional and homesick.

I didn’t think that I would get homesick like this. I was fine going to school across the country and seeing my family once in a while. But I also was in the same country and the time difference wasn’t bad. I had friends I could rely on for a support system and I knew how to navigate things like restaurants, the healthcare system, and my academics. Here, everything is so different and it’s compounded by the effects of covid. I know that I’ve made some really memorable connections here, but I also just cried on and off again a few days ago because I missed hanging out with my sister and calling my friends at random times to tell them something stupid without worrying I’m waking them up or going to grab boba with my college friends.

I feel really lonely here. I don’t know what to do to fix it. Ugh, I’m tearing up in a cafe. I wish I wasn’t as sensitive as I am. I think it’s normal to miss family, but I also worry so much about their health and the state of the US. I also worry that going out isn’t fair. Why should I go out to eat if my friends back home are in quarantine? But then I get angry at the people in the US going out and breaking quarantine to hang out with their friends. Am I doing the same thing? I called my friend from CA and he said that it is okay and I shouldn’t feel guilty. My friends back home want the best for me and being in a different country means there are different standards. I wish I could accept that fully as well. I worry about my friend working in a hospital and I worry about how I’ll return to the US or if it would be better to extend my stay here for a little more. I worry that I’ll lose touch with people here and that I’ll lose touch with people at home.

As much as I critique the US and feel like a perpetual foreigner as an Asian American, my friends and family are there. I always thought living abroad would be the dream and the goal. But I just want to cry some days because I feel like I’m not doing anything. I know everyone is impacted during covid, but seeing my Korean American friend who has dual citizenship go out and feel comfortable here makes me feel extra isolated.

I wish I could go out and meet new people and have fun in class groups, but that’s just not the reality I’m in. There was another outbreak in the clubs in Itaewon and I know it’s not safe to go to crowded spaces. I will be here through the end of June and my Visa is valid through September. What are my goals? What am I trying to get out of this? What can I learn? This is a list of things to give me hope and to motivate me for the future.

1. Finish the semester and do the best I can in my classes. If I can’t go out and meet new people, I might as well spend my time learning as much as I can about the topics I’m paying to stay here for.
2. Learn more Korean. I have no idea if I’ll actually need it later, but it wouldn’t hurt to remember some basic phrases and grammar when I’m back in the US.
3. Brush up on my Chinese this summer. One of my friend’s roommates is Chinese so maybe I’ll message her more often. My Chinese is so bad now and I’m honestly embarrassed of how much I’ve lost so quickly. My Korean American friend keeps saying that they should have just let me go to Shanghai and part of me agrees. But I also am grateful for the people and memories I’ve made here.
4. Save money and look into getting a part-time job? I’m not sure how this would work with my visa, but I know exchange students can work if they have a certain stamp on their Visa. Maybe I can get one retroactively. It’s necessary for me to save, especially if I end up staying here longer.
5. Look up options for post-graduation/next semester. If the semester is online for fall, is it possible for me to switch to a working holiday visa? I don’t want to be stuck in quarantine back home, but that’s also an option.
6. Hang out with the friends I have made so far. Maybe this just means studying together or maybe it’s going to a park or maybe it’s just taking a walk together. I just want a few people I can connect with and continue to speak with regardless of if I stay here longer or not.
7. Stay connected with my friends back home. I call some people on Snapchat or Messenger, but I need to be more consistent with that. It makes me feel so much better and I forget how important it is to feel like I matter to people. Like I belong to a group of friends.
8. Look up things to do over the summer. Maybe I can get my TEFL certificate and look into teaching abroad in Asia. Maybe I’ll stay here, maybe I’ll go to China? However, I know that many private academies here prefer white foreigners and I’m sure China isn’t much different in that respect. I don’t know what to do. What are my career options? I’ll look into that over the summer as well.
   • Also think about things like extending my travel insurance, getting medication refills, etc.
9. Go outside of my goshiwon more. Spending so much time in my tiny, humid room isn’t good for my mental health. I need to study outside of it. Now I know that the science library and other areas on campus are open, so I plan to go there more often (with a mask and hand sanitizer of course).
10. Keep track of my budget more effectively. I know that I am a pretty thrifty person and don’t spend much, but I want to create a spreadsheet soon to keep track of my spending.
11. Do one thing each day that isn’t related to school and is just for myself, not including watching something online. Maybe I’ll go for a walk or paint or do origami. Something that gets me moving is important too.
12. Exercise more! I try to do workouts in my room, but it’s kind of hard since it’s so small. However, I want to get more fit and keep healthy. This also means I should try to eat better. I basically just eat tofu and spinach and rice and apples if I don’t go out to eat with people. I don’t think this is a bad diet (and it’s certainly cheap), but I think I need more micro-nutrients by mixing up the fruits and vegetables I eat. Maybe I’ll call Josh and have him help me cook something. I need to stop worrying so much about money and also focus on my body. My health is something that I can’t fix with savings later.
13. Think about if living abroad is something I want. I have followed a few Asian American YouTubers who live/lived abroad (particularly in Korea) and I think it’s important to reflect on the location I chose to work in and why I would do it. Is it really for my happiness or the security or other people? Am I willing to give up parts of my life in the US to “find myself” or will I regret missing out on spending time with the friends I already have? But they’re so spread out anyways, so does it make a difference?
14. Relax sometimes. I feel like I always have to be doing something productive. And it is good to have goals and to work on things I find important. But it’s okay to spend days enjoying the weather and laughing with friends. It’s okay to get lost in a book.
15. Stop looking at social media and the news all the time. I find myself Googling “covid USA,” “covid colleges,” etc. and this isn’t helping my anxiety. I just get more worried and reading the headlines everyday and although it is important to be civically engaged and aware, I also need to cut myself a little bit of slack. I can’t organize like I normally would do in the states and although there are virtual forums and panels for student leaders, it’s okay for me to not go! I am in a different time zone. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

I really am not great at keeping up with this blog. I think one of the reasons I don’t write here as often is because I feel like it’s a chore. Maybe it’s more of a mindset thing. I have been journaling more often though, which has been good.

Things are so uncertain here and midterms are stressing me out! I have to make 5 more paper models for Architecture by Thursday, turn in my midterm paper for Irish Literature, do a project for my Leisure class, and have an oral interview for Korean. I really wish I just didn’t care as much about my grades. I know they don’t define me and I know that this won’t matter much in the long run. But the idea of letting someone down (even though my professors probably don’t even care that much about some random exchange student) gives me so much anxiety. I’ve gotten better about not putting my 110% into every task, but it still bothers me. I know I can even take all of my classes S/D/F.

Why do I care so much??? Agh!!!! My mom says that I’ve always been like this. How do I just not care? How do I make my life more about making myself happy and making a positive impact rather than satisfying menial tasks others designate for me? Yes, grades matter to an extent, but I have a 3.94. Taking this semester easy will not kill me.

I also am constantly stressed thinking about next year and I hate that I can’t relax about the future. I know that I want to graduate in fall, but I also know that my job as an AA says I should stay for the full academic year. But with Covid affecting everything, who knows if school will even be in person? I know my friend from CA is thinking of just going to NY to pack up her apartment and just stay for an online internship there. If she does that, maybe she could ship my stuff back to me as well. If that happens though, I’ll have to video call her and go through everything. I feel bad because one of my other friends is storing my stuff since we thought I would just be gone for a semester.

One friend who has dual citizenship may take another semester here in Korea. This would mean they would graduate later, but their mom also suggested it. I wish I could if things come to the worst, but I really don’t know how that would affect my financial aid. I really don’t want to have to take out more loans. My anxiety around money is so irrational at times and that’s also something I worry about, which makes it worse! Agh!

Things at home haven’t been great either and my mom was in the hospital for a week. She’s back home, thankfully, but there was a really stressful period of time when my sister couldn’t even find her in the hospital system. They weren’t allowing anyone inside to visit and the nurses on the phone kept telling her misinformation. I don’t know how long the hospitals and clinics will be over-crowded, but this is horrible. The US is going down and I am not looking forward to going back. Even if colleges do decide to go back to campus now, what’s the point? People are saying that at this point the US needs to think about herd immunity, but that means so many more people will die or work while being sick.

It makes me nauseous thinking about how much pain and fear people are going through. Black and brown communities are being affected disproportionately and undocumented people are also facing heightened barriers and anxiety around healthcare, wages, rent, etc. Language barriers for immigrant families and students, lay offs, not enough money for rent/groceries are all things people are struggling with and going on social media means I’m bombarded with these stories all the time. I know these issues are caused by structural inequalities that I, as an individual, am not able to solve on my own, but it makes me feel even more helpless being so far away from home where I can organize and do more advocacy work. I need to unplug sometimes and take time to just live. It’s okay to feel sad and guilty for being away and homesick, but it’s also important for me to find reasons to keep living.

That being said, I have found new friends and new things that make me happy here. I love the animal cafes. I love going to cafes and studying. I love the markets here with fresh vegetables and fruits. I love the cherry blossoms everywhere and the different kind of birds I see here.

The other day I literally just stayed in bed for hours. I ate and then just laid in bed and slept. I was putting off work and feeling overwhelmed and sad. I need to have a plan to go out at least once a day, even if it’s just a small errand. It keeps me going and gives me something to plan my day around. I forget how easy it is to fall into these cycles of sadness.

Classes may start to meet in person. I know my architecture professor says he wants to meet in mid-May. Ah, I am not looking forward to it at all, but I hope he just grades me easily. Once again, why do I care?? At least going to class will give me something to do.

I have stopped hanging out with the girl from Norway as often. We’ve made other friends and I think she likes to go out and spend more money more than I do. I feel guilty for some reason, but there’s also no obligation for me to spend my time with one singular person all the time. I can choose who I spend my time with right now and sometimes being alone is just easier. I’ve been hanging out with my friend from college more recently and I met their cousin the other day. It was fun being out and seeing them speak in Korean with their family. I had been following their cousin for over a year, so it was funny that we actually got to meet in-person. He was very nice and polite. He kept apologizing for his English, but I wish he didn’t feel the need to. Honestly, it’s on me to be better at Korean since I’m the foreigner.

I still think about what it means for me to even be in Korea. My college friend and I were talking about American privilege and how many people expect others to speak English to them or are surprised when another country’s way of life is different/unfamiliar and act like it’s abnormal. I think I just feel guilty being here. But this residual guilt doesn’t excuse me from not being polite or respectful. I just get so embarrassed when I try to speak Korean. I know that trying to explain is better than just being silent, but there’s something inside me that just wishes I would disappear instead. I know it’s okay for me to take up space and to learn about this place I ended up in, but I feel so much despair sometimes. Why am I trying to fit in when I never will? This mindset won’t get me too far, but it’s hard to not fall back into old patterns. I just need to study my Korean more and actually practice. Even with friends I feel so embarrassed about it.

I have to study for my Korean midterm now. Hopefully my interview goes well on Wednesday.

I promise I’ll try to write on here more often. I think it’s good for my family and my own mental health to get everything out. Quite a bit has happened, but then again not much has changed.

I went to an orientation for a program called Teach North Korean Refugees, where I would tutor refugees and help them with their English. However, you had to be a member to join and I ended up not following through with it because of the financial aspect. I am looking at other options right now, which include: Working with kids in a Welfare center, trying to get an internship with PSCORE, working with Justice for North Korea, or Crossing Borders for Women’s Rights. I could also try looking for a job here, which would be good to make some money. I don’t know how the process would work though. I think the max hours I can work as an international student is less than 30 hours, which would be fine.

I want to do all these things, but I also have the impulse to stay in my room all day and just do homework and go on walks and hang out with friends. I don’t know what to do. I also know that social distancing is still important and even though I want to get involved and do everything, I’m not sure I have the capacity or safety measures in place to do so. Any input would be appreciated.

I also realized that I can technically graduate next semester if I want to. However, I’m not sure how that would affect my job as an Apartment Assistant or if I want my last semester of college to be so packed. I could graduate if I take 18 credits. I’m getting antsy to just be somewhere and call it home. I know I don’t want to stay in my collegetown. I hate having relationships that are affected by distance and even though I may end up farther away from my home state, I want a job where I can stay year long instead of having to go through cycles of moving all of the time.

At the TNKR meeting I met another Chinese adoptee and we really connected. She is from Oregon and ended up getting ESL certified and teaching in China for a year before going through the EPIK program and teaching near Busan for two years. She’s now in a graduate program for TESL and wants to teach at the university level. I asked for her contact information and we got coffee and talked about her experiences the other day. I really think that I want to come to Asia and work. I wouldn’t get paid as much because my major isn’t just education anymore, but I’ve heard that you can save a lot up living here.

I really like being here though. I like having people assume I belong. However, I do get nervous with the language barrier. Especially the guy at the print shop. I think he’s just naturally grumpy, but whenever I go in to print my Korean homework and say I don’t speak Korean he just gives me the nastiest look. It’s the worst part of my week!

In terms of classes for next semester, my Chinese teacher said that I could jump into 201 if I wanted to. If I decide to graduate early though, I probably wouldn’t take Chinese for credit and would just audit it. My college also doesn’t offer Korean, so that wouldn’t work out well if I ended up here. However, from what I know, the EPIK program is pretty good at creating a supportive community for the teachers and although experiences vary greatly, the people I’ve talked to have all liked it.

My hardest class is still architecture. I just am not built to be an architect at all! My paper models are so ugly and I feel bad for my professor. My other courses are okay. Irish literature is pretty straightforward and so is my Leisure class. Korean got much harder this week and we have so much vocabulary to learn that I feel overwhelmed. Hopefully I don’t fail the class, but the registrar is allowing exchange students to take courses S/D/F if they want, thankfully.

I got a tattoo last week! It’s of a lotus and I plan to add my Chinese name to it once I visit China. I chose a lotus because it just holds a lot of memories for me. I helped my friend make his drag costume lotus themed, it’s a really symbolic flower in China, and it is in a folktale about a boy being separated from his mom but she gives him a lotus lantern and watches over him. It didn’t hurt that much and I kind of liked the feeling of my ribs vibrating. The tattoo artist called me a “strong woman,” haha. It’s starting to peel now, which is kind of gross, but it seems to be healing well. He is just starting out and is only 24 years old, so the price was about $60 USD! A good deal for the size and quality. I’m glad I got it on my ribs so that I can hide it if I ever decide to teach.

I think about the conditions in the US daily and I get really anxious thinking about the future, my family, and the health of so many people. I also heard that Bernie dropped out of the presidential race and I am really upset about that. I know that people will continue to resist and fight for justice, but the current state of affairs politically is just such a mess.

I’m currently in a cafe with the girl from Norway. She and I often study together. I feel bad because I don’t order anything, but I justify it since she usually does. We spend like 6 hours here sometimes. The cafes in Korea are so neat. They’re usually multi-floored and have really cohesive themes. This one always plays jazz music.

I haven’t explore much of Anam. I usually walk from the metro to my goshiwon and sometimes I walk to Dongdaemun market to get fresh fruit/veggies. Those are the only fresh things I eat with my diet of rice, ramen, and tofu. I feel so guilty buying food here, like I said. It’s bad being on my own budget. I don’t know how to get over the guilt I feel spending money.

I created a Korean bucket list, but I’m not sure if a lot of the things are feasible because of covid. I hope it stops spreading and I know that Korea is in a much better place than the US, but that could change very quickly. You just can’t predict anything. Thanks for reading this long ramble.

I ended up going to bed around 1 am last night, but set my alarm for 8:30. I got out of bed at 9 and forced myself to take a shower. Getting up early makes me feel a lot more productive. I think I need to continue keeping this routine. Movement is important and I even worked out in my small room today.

I’m having some trouble with my architecture class because although it’s taught in English, the student group chat is all in Korean. The other students know I don’t speak English and one of them reached out to me and said she would help translate if I needed to know anything. I just worry. But I messaged the professor and he said that I shouldn’t worry since it’s a first year course and the other students also don’t have any background in theory.

I went to the print shop today to print my Korean homework and it was the same guy from last time. He tried to speak to me in Korean again and when I awkwardly said, “No Korean,” he looked at the printout of the alphabet and just raised his eyebrows. I always feel so awkward when this happens, but he just showed me the price on the calculator and I went to a cafe with the Norwegian girl.

The cafes here are so nice. They’re often multiple stories and always have so much seating. I usually don’t buy anything, but the people I go with do. The Norwegian girl got persimmon juice and I had mango juice from another place. Unfortunately, we sat near the smoking section. It’s kind of common here for there to be an area sectioned off with a clear wall for smokers to go to. I left after a few hours of working on Korean and my architecture project. I am not too worried about my courses, but I feel like I should be doing more. But I also know that this pandemic means I need to be more cautious about where I go. I’m also constantly thinking about the coat I’m supposed to buy my sister. I’m not sure when/where I’ll go.

The other day I went to an outside market again. It was more like a bunch of thrift stores altogether and outside. I loved the energy there and I’m sure it’s usually more crowded when things are normal. I hope to go back and buy some clothes and shoes. I only brought one pair of shoes, so I’m sure they’ll wear out at some point. The market is interesting because some stalls only have a few pair of shoes, a pile of clothes, some used cutlery, books, bags, etc and others look more like a store. I think I could get used to living in Asia. I just think I need to feel like I’m part of a community and that’s the thing I’m lacking without a program and in-person group meetings.

The past few days, I have been having a lot of trouble thinking about money, privilege, geographic space, and what it means for me to be so far from home right now. I feel guilty spending money on food. Technically can’t I survive on ramen here? Do I need to eat vegetables? What is the point of eating other foods? Why should I spend my money on something that won’t last? The anxiety around spending money on food isn’t new, but it is exacerbated here.

I worry a lot about finances and my college also informed me that I still have a balance on my account because of the way they calculate need based finances on my outside scholarships. I am frustrated. I am beyond frustrated that even if I try to apply for outside funding that it doesn’t make any difference.

I have been sleeping a lot. Had a friend breakup as well recently and it hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Not talking to somebody often leaves a gap of time that makes me uncomfortable. But even though I have so much time, I find it hard to leave my room unless I have somebody pushing me to. The goshiwon room is rather gloomy and although I’m grateful to have a place to live, the close quarters makes me depressed.

It’s almost midnight here and I just finished up an architecture project. I have no idea what I’m doing in this class and I worry that I will not do well. It doesn’t really matter much since it’s for a general ed requirement, but I always worry. I have to create 5 paper models, create isometric sketches of them, and then create artist statements for them. I’m not sure how this course will go since they just extended the online period until May.

I’m seeing a lot of people online post about social distancing in the states and I worry for my family. I hope grocery prices don’t go up. But I know that the economy will likely be hit hard worldwide and especially in the states since so many people are getting sick. I miss being able to talk to my sister whenever I wanted to. I miss cooking with her and shopping. I am homesick and lonely.

I mostly hang out with the Norwegian girl and one of the Korean citizens who also stayed from TEAN. I went out with people in the goshiwon one time and they were drinking. I refrained and honestly was a little embarrassed about how loud they were. Foreigners in any country have some privilege and I just don’t want to be disrespectful of the space I’m taking up. The other people in the goshiwon don’t really talk to me. They smile at me now, but we don’t really have conversations. I feel awkward in the kitchen, so I try to cook quickly.

I feel like I should be working harder on my academics, but I’m already spending hours on assignments. I hate online courses. I miss interacting with people in school. I miss meeting new people.

I also have been thinking a lot about how I fit in here. People still continue to speak to me in Korean when they see me in a pair with a non-Asian person and I usually am just silent. I think about what life would be like if I actually lived here. Not bad, but I wish I had had the experience to live in China. I see a lot of foreign English teachers here and I wonder if I ever will do something like that. I’m not sure. I want to explore and travel and learn and be happy. I realize that I need to be around people and feel like I’m making a difference in order to stay happy and motivated. It’s hard when you’re alone. Maybe that’s another reason I feel so guilty for how I’m spending my days.

I couldn’t sleep well last night. I had my Alien Registration Card appointment today and was super nervous for no reason. I slept in two-hour increments and ended up eating breakfast at 7 am. I took a thirty minute nap and then headed to the Office of Immigration. It was about a 30 minute subway ride there. I usually take the subway with friends, but this time I let my mind wander. I’ve been letting myself not think about anything in particular lately. I am so used to always calculating my next move or trying to distract myself with social media that it’s nice to take a break while I’m commuting somewhere.

Everyone here is still wearing masks. I really am not sure how sustainable this will be. You have to have the right ID to buy them publicly and I’m not sure that I qualify as an exchange student. I have some left, but if my sister visits then I hope she brings more. I have been reusing the ones I have and it’s kind of gross sometimes. I’m starting to break out around my nose.

I realized my picture was a 2″ by 2″ instead of a 35 by 45 mm and so I cut it smaller when I was waiting. They had a glue stick there, so I just re-glued it back on the paper. My actual appointment only took about 15 minutes. The building didn’t have security like I expected an office in the US would. Just hand sanitizer and warnings about covid. After the appointment I went to Muji since it was close by the station. I didn’t realize they sold clothes in Asia. Too expensive though. I wandered around and then headed to a No Brand store. The closest one to me was inJung-gu in Doota Mall. I didn’t realize it was literally in the middle of a traditional-style open air market. For context, No Brand is like a smaller version of Costco. It was very strange to see it surrounded by vendors.

I didn’t have to speak Korean to get some fruit. It’s been a while since I had apples, so I bought some of those as well as bananas. At No Brand I bought tofu and some frozen dumplings. I am trying to stop spending so much money on food, since that’s the thing I’ve been splurging on a little too much. I wanted lemon concentrate, but they only had lemons, so I skipped out on that. I, admittedly, am too lazy to juice my own lemons everyday.

My class starts at 2. It’s only 12 right now. But…. I accidentally signed up for an English class taught in Korean, so I will probably end up switching out of it. I’m sad. I bought the textbook already. It’s not that bad since it was less than $7 USD, but still, I had filled out all the paperwork for this one already. The other one that fits into my schedule is about Irish Literature. I guess we’ll see what happens. I’ll try and sit in on this English class, but… since I don’t know any Korean it’ll probably be pretty awkward.

The constant news on social media about covid in the US is stressing me out more than being in Korea, where there are more diagnosed cases. Everyone is stressing social distancing or doing the opposite and going on vacations and partying. Ideally, people would stay inside as much as they could, but it’s hard when there are so many other factors like housing, food, money, etc. I hope it doesn’t get worse, but it probably will before it gets better. I’m just tired of reading it all sometimes. I think I need to take a break from social media to de-stress and focus on keeping in contact with people that I can.

I talked to my old mentor from DC. He’s doing well and I and my old roommate offered to help him with any errands that he needed. He called us “super friends” and sent his love. I miss him a lot and hope that he is doing well. He’s a very active retiree, but I’m nervous for people like him and my mom who are more susceptible to the virus.

In Washington, they closed down all the public schools and most colleges are online. The governor said that only take-out and delivery services for restaurants are allowed and banned all gatherings of more than 50 people. I hope measures like these work. But I also know people are still reckless when they’re not directly affected by the virus. I don’t know what will happen in the states. I don’t know what will happen here either. Lots of uncertainty makes me uneasy.

Part I:

It’s a strange feeling to walk around and have people assume I belong. When they speak to me in Korean, I panic. I usually look to my friend, and if I don’t react quickly enough, then they’ll explain that we speak English. I hate the feeling of being disappointing. Like I should understand them. But it’s not like I was preparing to come to Korea for half a year. I know only basic phrases and can barely read hangul.

I wonder how it would be in China. I think it would hurt more. Not knowing what people are saying when I wanted so desperately to belong. I feel silly taking a sense of pride when people assume I belong here. Like I’m a native. Sometimes I pretend I understand and it goes fine. I give with two hands and receive with two, communicating with nods and “mhmms.”

I still think about the person I met at the international gathering who encouraged me to move to Asia. Why did he move back? He grew up in Japan and he said it was too tiring to think constantly about his identity in the states. There is such a different racial dynamic at play there and a history of being a perpetual foreigner.

But wouldn’t I still be a perpetual foreigner abroad? Why do I like living in Korea? I have a lot of financial privilege here because my school is funding my stay. I know it would be different if I was working. But… I like feeling connected to something. I know these customs are not mine, but living here I don’t have to explain where I come from and if somebody does ask about my ethnic heritage it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from a place of malice.

But this is all just me imagining. I don’t know if I could actually give up living in the same country as my family or friends. I don’t know if I could learn how to navigate a new country alone facing different social issues. I don’t know if I want to travel to just escape feeling like I don’t belong. One of my old mentors lived in China for a while and he said he realized he was trying to run away from being American. He couldn’t speak Chinese, but he had grown to love living there as a second-generation Chinese American. Am I doing the same thing?

Part II:

The above videos describes how I’m feeling and then nothing at all. (Side note: I’ve been following her since middle school and I’m so glad she’s still active on YT). With all of the uncertainty going on with Covid and my friends and family being directly affected back in the states, I am so… Sad and stressed and overwhelmed and I wonder why I am here.

I have so much privilege being in a country right now where the government is testing people and treating them without burdening them with financial hardships. But it’s hard seeing small businesses being affected. Yesterday, the girl from Norway bought a dress and the seller was so happy that she almost started crying and hugged her. I think about my family in the states and the small businesses struggling back home. I think about those who don’t have healthcare and those who are homeless and those who are sick and those who are struggling… Here’s a resource list if anybody needs it. Feel free to share and edit.

I am lonely and constantly trying to find new people to hang out with. I met a girl from orientation the other day and she was really nice. She’s from Australia and is half Japanese and we had very deep talks about race relations in our home countries and our experiences in predominantly-white spaces. I really like her and might hang out with her tomorrow. But when I get back to my goshiwon it feels lonely.

I have no idea what I’m doing with courses. I can’t talk with my friends or family until late at night. I worry about money constantly. I wish my sister or friends were here to explore, but know they might be safer in the states. I hate feeling constantly on edge and like like the world is going to end. Having GAD during this period of uncertainty certainly isn’t helping. I feel the need to constantly be doing something, but also know it’s good to stay inside. I don’t know what to do with myself and that’s so frustrating to me. But life isn’t fair and life doesn’t make sense and all I can do is try to love as much as I can while I’m alive. So thanks for reading. I love you.