I cried a lot before coming back to the states. It was a mixture of dreading school, missing the people I came to love, and the anxiety of not knowing what is in the future. This was coupled with the fear of the fires and the US’s reaction to Covid. When I cry it feels like I don’t have control over when my tears come. I don’t want to cry, but my emotions are so close to the surface that I can’t help it.

I can never sleep on the plane. No matter how long the flight is, my anxiety just keeps me up. At some point it’s like I can feel my heartbeat getting faster and faster because I’m so aware of my own exhaustion. But I still can’t sleep. And then I end up getting grumpy later. But today I tried to hold it in. I watched 4 movies, most of them were Korean, and then just played Mahjong and listened to music. I had to transfer through Canada and I was scared that my flight would have troubles since Canada isn’t allowing foreign nationals into the country. But since I stayed in the airport, it was alright.

I was randomly screened for an agricultural test to make sure I didn’t bring back any invasive species. It was fine, but I really felt lightheaded at that point. I just wanted to sit down. I wasn’t allowed to use my phone while I waited either. It took maybe 30 minutes to wait and then have them scan my suitcase for any plant/animal objects. I ended up making some TikToks after that and reminiscing about the not-so-distant past.

It hasn’t hit me that I am back. I don’t feel at home here either. Also, I hate cars. I much prefer public transportation. I feel like crawling out of my skin. Being back in this house feels… wrong. Like I don’t belong here and these circumstances make me so uncomfortable. Why? I want to be in an environment where I’m free to choose who I surround myself with. And this small town doesn’t have people that I would reach out to when I want a friend. It reminds me of how restless I felt when I was younger and I understand and empathize with my younger self. I am always looking for people to call home. It’s hard when there’s distance between you and the ones you’re close with. But I know I’ll do my best to make sure they know I’m thinking about them always.

I ended up getting some boba and a banh mi with my sister for a late lunch/dinner. Unpacking and making space for myself in my room (where my mom has stored her crocheting supplies) was tiring. I can’t tell if I want to cry, but I definitely feel heavy. Like a heavy weight on a chest. Different than the tight band of anxiety when I feel pressure to do something. More like the sinking feeling of acceptance.

I will be here for 3 months at least, not going outside much and hoping for a more fulfilling future. I know I should also appreciate these moments, too though. The ones with my sister and mom and trying to enjoy some leisure time when I can. But after already having an online semester in Korea, I miss having those in-person interactions so much more. I didn’t realize how important physical touch was for my friendships until this happened. Just hugging them or sitting together to watch a movie. It’s a different experience when you’re together. But I know I’ll have that again soon. I just have to be creative about connecting with my loved ones right now.

I have a few assignments already coming up and some job applications I should send out. But I worry that I’ll be behind and this worry makes me not even want to start. I know that ultimately I will do it. It’s not a passion to do this work at the moment that is driving me, though. It’s more fear-based. What if I’m not enough? What if I don’t get a job I like? What if my professors don’t like me? These questions aren’t even relevant to the subjects I’ll be learning about, but the fear of being inadequate is so ingrained in me.

I think it’s good to realize this and take a step back. I’m dealing with a lot of things going on right now. It’s okay for me to feel overwhelmed and speak with professors about what is going on. Most are very understanding and willing to work with me until I get things settled, which I appreciate tremendously. I wonder how this will change once I enter the workforce. I hope I work somewhere where I get along well with my supervisor and coworkers. Regardless of the kind of work I’m doing, I want to be surrounded with people that make life a little better.

Some goals for this week:

• Make up hours for my internship
• Reach out to the English dept about the job
• Contact the summer internship coordinator to update her about my availability
• Get prepared to join online classes on Tuesday/whenever I can
• Do more research for my English honors course
• Apply to at least 3 jobs/recruiters this week

Wounded inner child vs. Healthy adult in a connection: a thread

— 🛸 (@mostofmichelle) September 14, 2020

The above is a really interesting thread about healing and creating a healthier mindset. I need to be more mindful in the way that I talk to myself and process the events that are out of my control.

I get so anxious applying to jobs and thinking about my future. I know that the first job I take will not be where I stay for the rest of my life and that I need to explore the opportunities out there. But it’s scary! The world is scary and I want to enjoy my time being alive, but I get paralyzed by the idea that my life needs to look a certain way for me to enjoy it. Obviously, that’s not the case and there are a lot of things I don’t have control over. Agh!!

My flight back home is going to be rough. I have almost a day in Taiwan, but I’ll have to stay in the airport and I’m going to be so tired. I absolutely hate long layovers. I just get so anxious. I’ll also have to let my professors know about this and that I won’t be able to make it to live online courses… I know in the grand scheme of things this next week will be a small thing, but it just feels like my world is blowing up in my face.

I’m going to miss hanging out with friends and wandering around at night. I’ll miss the food and the restaurants. I’ll miss being able to blend into a crowd. I’ll miss hugging people and going to cafes and studying outdoors. I know that I’ll come back to these things. I know that nothing is permanent and I have at least a marginal amount of control over my situation.

I need to be more flexible, though. Here are some things I need to do:

• Email my professors
• Keep up with homework
• Make sure I get my fingerprints done and my background check sent in asap when I get home
• Keep asking the registrar about my diploma/graduation/transcripts
• Continue reaching out to recruiters and job board postings
• Work on my internship stuff… I’ve been kind of slacking on this one because I haven’t had the motivation. I’m so unmotivated because there is no human interaction at all, but I need to hold myself accountable for it.

Writing this out gets me stressed, but it’s good to see it visually represented. I know that I’ll be okay and that people who love me will continue to be by my side as much as they can. It still just feels like my chest is constricting all the time, especially when I first wake up.

I have grown a lot here and I’m so thankful for the people I met. I hope to come back. I hope I can do something meaningful with my life. I struggle most days with feeling like what I do is meaningful. What is my passion? What does it mean for me to do something worthy? Why is it so hard for me to be just happy with day-to-day activities and appreciate the love and sun and fact that I’m alive? I really don’t know and I dread doing online courses for something that may not even be relevant to my future.

I can’t bring myself to write or draw or talk to my friends sometimes. I know that these activities bring me joy, but some days it’s harder than others to convince myself it’s worth it. It’s so easy to wallow. But I know that it’s not what is best for me. I question if this would be any different in another location. Probably not. But I wouldn’t have to worry about a language barrier. But the US also doesn’t feel like home either. Nowhere feels like home unless I’m with people who make me feel like it is. I know that isn’t always great and I’m working on being more at peace with myself, too. I think I just have devalued my own worth that sometimes it’s impossible for me to feel like my life is important.

Sometimes I just randomly cry when I feel overwhelmed by loss. It’s not that anything is wrong, but just that everything is so unstable and unsure right now. I am in a few group chats about working in Korea and I just get overwhelmed. I also am in groups on Facebook about jobs in the US and I don’t know what to do. I used to think I’d want to end up back in DC, but after talking to other people who work in the advocacy space, I don’t think that’s my first step, but I’m not sure. I think those jobs are meaningful, but I also want to be financially stable and being in a big city doing it isn’t realistic.

I talked to my friend today (who is a dual citizen) about doing Teach for America or working here or being a professor and they were really unsure. They think they’ll end up doing TFA. They said Korea is somewhere they want to spend money, but not somewhere they want to work. But if the opportunity came, they would like to be in Asia. The work environment is really tough. That’s what I keep hearing. And I’m scared. I’m scared to leave and I’m scared to come back and I’m scared that I keep moving all the time.

I wish I had a stable career and stable friends and stable loved ones and stable location. I wish I had things figured out. But the more I talk to people, the more I realize that nobody really has it figured out. And that’s scary. I wish someone could just tell me what to do with my life. I feel like I’m a loop, constantly repeating this. But it’s so hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve been lied to. I thought everyone had it figured out when they graduated.

Can I actually live in a country where I don’t speak the language that well? Is it feasible for me to learn it enough to get by? How would that work for me in terms of building a network of friends and community here? Am I participating in a form of neo-colonialism and displacing people if I teach English? Am I making these decisions selfishly? Is it okay to be selfish? Can I see a future here? Is it okay to be here even if I end up going back to the states if things don’t work out? Will that hurt or help me in the long run? Should I even be thinking about these things or is it better to just go moment by moment? Would I ever pursue graduate school here? Or in the US?

Right when I finally felt stable in Korea, I am moving back. I have a week left here and it hurts so much. I’m going to miss the people I love so much no matter where I go, but I hate the impending loss. Maybe that’s the adoption trauma talking. I have a lot to unlearn and so much more to learn.

Update:

My mom sent me a message and I really appreciated her words.
“What you do in life isn’t nearly as important as who you are in life. The impact you make, the difference you make in the lives of others, has little to do with your job and everything to do with the person you are and the way you treat others. And you have already shown through all of your life that you’re a blessing to those you meet, those you work with, those you care about, those who need love. Focus on how to be the best person you can be, no matter what you do or where you are, and everything else will follow. Sure, working for an advocacy group in DC would potentially impact the lives of others in need. But so would driving a delivery truck and showing love and kindness and sharing wisdom and strength with your customers. It’s who you are, not what you do, that determines your success in life. It’s the lives you touch through your interactions that will make a difference in the world, not which country you choose to live. And home is always going to be wherever you build a family, either marriage and children or me and your sister or friends you love or even a workplace where you find fulfillment. Some families are forever, some are just for a period of time. But all of them will be the better for the blessing of having you be a part, for however long it lasts. That’s who you’ve always been and who you will always be. You just need to recognize that about yourself. I don’t mean to discredit or ignore your anguish. I know how unsettled and insecure you feel. But each step you’ve taken, each choice you’ve made, has led you to today and formed you into this person who cares so very much that you CAN feel anguish about the direction of your life and wonder if your decisions are selfish and question if you’re fulfilling your destiny. If you weren’t already the incredible person you are, you wouldn’t care about any of that. The reason it appears that everyone else already has it all figured out is because they haven’t even asked any of the questions that are overwhelming you. Or maybe they just haven’t shared them. But most folks just carry on doing whatever comes next, sometimes for all of their lives, never asking if they’re on the right path, doing the right thing. Neither way is better than the other, unless it doesn’t lead you forward at all. Believe in who you are. Determine that no matter where life leads you, you’ll continue to be a light and a joy to those you meet, a loving companion to those you care about, and a force of goodness in the world, no matter the sphere you’re in. Practice love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Make those your goal. And you’ll find your way. I love you, forever and ever.”

Some days I feel so happy and full of hope for the future. That’s when I feel like I have a sense of direction and drive. Other days, whether I’m alone or with people, I feel such a deep sense of anxiety and panic about the future that all I feel is despair. Even if I feel happy on the surface, this tight band of tension is in my chest. In order to pursue a life worth living… I want to balance out the pain with doing kind and caring things for myself and others. What does that look like? What kind of work will keep me going?What are activities that I can do alone that bring a sense of purpose and happiness? Working with the AAPI nonprofit space gave me that. Working with kids gave me that. Having friends and family around me constantly gave me that. What does this look like when I’m home again and can’t go out as often? What about after graduation?

My school starts online this week. I don’t know how heavy the workload will be. I really dislike the inbetween stages of life. I wish I automatically had community and happiness and stable people in my life. But I know that I should also appreciate the things I can while I have them right now. It’s hard to not look towards the future. I have to keep putting new assignments into my calendar and it’s stressing me out. But I know that this will be the last semester and I should do the best while I can.

4 months until I graduate. 4 months until I hopefully move out and find a new sense of community. I don’t feel grounded at all in my small town. There is no diversity or friend group or organization that I feel attached to. I want to just feel like I belong. But that is not just going into a community and declaring that, “I belong here!” It’s knowing what the community you’re in needs and how you can help contribute. I don’t want to just skate by. I want to take the time to understand the reason why I want to go somewhere. How much selfishness is okay with choosing a location? How much of my privilege plays a part into where I go? What do I do with it?

I envy my old roommate, who is from Norway. She has decided she wants to go to university here and has been studying the language for years. She’ll be applying to undergraduate school here soon. She has learned about this place and she has a goal to be here. How much of my feeling of being isolated is learned helplessness? How much control do I actually have over my own life? What do I need to accept as fact and what can I change?

These aren’t new emotions or fears. I don’t think it’s easy to just “get over” them though. The future is so uncertain, especially during a pandemic and with the thought now that… People can choose where they make their homes. Where do I want mine to be? Who do I want to be in my life? I miss seeing my friends in the US, but I know I’ll also miss the people I’ve met here. It feels silly, but I’m so change-averse.

But recently, I’ve also had days where I spend the majority of my time with people I love and care about. And I am happy then just being. Just breathing and talking and feeling the sun. It’s hard to balance my life worries with the present moment. How do I allow for the deep acceptance of change while still being present?