In my therapy session today I was telling my therapist how I often minimize my issues because I don’t want to rock the boat in my relationships. But then his rebuttal was that I “jump off of the boat” instead… Yikes. I definitely see where he is coming from. If I feel overwhelmed or scared or like my needs are not being met, I don’t tell anybody until I feel like I’ll explode and then I stop trying. It’s not a healthy way of coping and I know that. I have a tendency to put all of my emotions on the back burner and this has not served me well. Logically, I know that it is important to communicate with others about my long-term desires and dreams and aspirations. How else will people know how to support me? But emotionally, I am scared of losing people. And I want so desperately to stay in their lives that I’m willing to compromise on my own needs. Until I can’t anymore. And then I think that I’m better off alone and that nobody will want me and that I’m useless. I speak down to myself so often and I know that this is ultimately the root cause of my insecurities and why there has been a disconnect between the life I want to live and the life I believe I can live. I don’t trust myself enough to reach my dream life. But I want to. So I’ll keep building up my skills and working on communicating with people. I’ll spend more time with myself and talk to my friends about how I’m feeling. I’ll enjoy the little day-to-day moments of painting with friends or sitting by my sister. Everyone deserves to feel like their life matters. That includes me. I deserve the same love and self-compassion that I know others do. It’s just going to take a while to get there.

My internship with the Asian American advocacy organization is going well. I really like the team and it doesn’t feel too overwhelming. I’m mostly working with press/Congressional outreach and drafting social media posts. Sometimes I’ll do research on pertinent immigration issues. I have so many fears about money and living a stable life, but there really is no guarantee that I’ll have a stable life wherever I go with whatever job I have. I want to at least be doing something I believe in. Guess that’s the INFP in me. (I know the test is flawed, but I can’t help but resonate with my result). I imagine a future where I live close to or with friends. Where I can laugh at work and work on issues that matter. Where I can interact with people I love on a daily basis and keep in touch easily with those who help me grow. So much of how I have defined myself or seen my future has depended on a partner. And that’s okay, too. But I want to be happy with myself and my own passions, which is a feeling I haven’t experienced yet. Maybe I’m romanticizing being alone. But who else will? Being angry or dissatisfied didn’t serve me. Let me try gratefulness. I always feel better after therapy, even if it didn’t go exactly as planned. I need to dedicate more time for myself to reflect. Here is my commitment to that in writing, I suppose.