I promise I’ll try to write on here more often. I think it’s good for my family and my own mental health to get everything out. Quite a bit has happened, but then again not much has changed.

I went to an orientation for a program called Teach North Korean Refugees, where I would tutor refugees and help them with their English. However, you had to be a member to join and I ended up not following through with it because of the financial aspect. I am looking at other options right now, which include: Working with kids in a Welfare center, trying to get an internship with PSCORE, working with Justice for North Korea, or Crossing Borders for Women’s Rights. I could also try looking for a job here, which would be good to make some money. I don’t know how the process would work though. I think the max hours I can work as an international student is less than 30 hours, which would be fine.

I want to do all these things, but I also have the impulse to stay in my room all day and just do homework and go on walks and hang out with friends. I don’t know what to do. I also know that social distancing is still important and even though I want to get involved and do everything, I’m not sure I have the capacity or safety measures in place to do so. Any input would be appreciated.

I also realized that I can technically graduate next semester if I want to. However, I’m not sure how that would affect my job as an Apartment Assistant or if I want my last semester of college to be so packed. I could graduate if I take 18 credits. I’m getting antsy to just be somewhere and call it home. I know I don’t want to stay in my collegetown. I hate having relationships that are affected by distance and even though I may end up farther away from my home state, I want a job where I can stay year long instead of having to go through cycles of moving all of the time.

At the TNKR meeting I met another Chinese adoptee and we really connected. She is from Oregon and ended up getting ESL certified and teaching in China for a year before going through the EPIK program and teaching near Busan for two years. She’s now in a graduate program for TESL and wants to teach at the university level. I asked for her contact information and we got coffee and talked about her experiences the other day. I really think that I want to come to Asia and work. I wouldn’t get paid as much because my major isn’t just education anymore, but I’ve heard that you can save a lot up living here.

I really like being here though. I like having people assume I belong. However, I do get nervous with the language barrier. Especially the guy at the print shop. I think he’s just naturally grumpy, but whenever I go in to print my Korean homework and say I don’t speak Korean he just gives me the nastiest look. It’s the worst part of my week!

In terms of classes for next semester, my Chinese teacher said that I could jump into 201 if I wanted to. If I decide to graduate early though, I probably wouldn’t take Chinese for credit and would just audit it. My college also doesn’t offer Korean, so that wouldn’t work out well if I ended up here. However, from what I know, the EPIK program is pretty good at creating a supportive community for the teachers and although experiences vary greatly, the people I’ve talked to have all liked it.

My hardest class is still architecture. I just am not built to be an architect at all! My paper models are so ugly and I feel bad for my professor. My other courses are okay. Irish literature is pretty straightforward and so is my Leisure class. Korean got much harder this week and we have so much vocabulary to learn that I feel overwhelmed. Hopefully I don’t fail the class, but the registrar is allowing exchange students to take courses S/D/F if they want, thankfully.

I got a tattoo last week! It’s of a lotus and I plan to add my Chinese name to it once I visit China. I chose a lotus because it just holds a lot of memories for me. I helped my friend make his drag costume lotus themed, it’s a really symbolic flower in China, and it is in a folktale about a boy being separated from his mom but she gives him a lotus lantern and watches over him. It didn’t hurt that much and I kind of liked the feeling of my ribs vibrating. The tattoo artist called me a “strong woman,” haha. It’s starting to peel now, which is kind of gross, but it seems to be healing well. He is just starting out and is only 24 years old, so the price was about $60 USD! A good deal for the size and quality. I’m glad I got it on my ribs so that I can hide it if I ever decide to teach.

I think about the conditions in the US daily and I get really anxious thinking about the future, my family, and the health of so many people. I also heard that Bernie dropped out of the presidential race and I am really upset about that. I know that people will continue to resist and fight for justice, but the current state of affairs politically is just such a mess.

I’m currently in a cafe with the girl from Norway. She and I often study together. I feel bad because I don’t order anything, but I justify it since she usually does. We spend like 6 hours here sometimes. The cafes in Korea are so neat. They’re usually multi-floored and have really cohesive themes. This one always plays jazz music.

I haven’t explore much of Anam. I usually walk from the metro to my goshiwon and sometimes I walk to Dongdaemun market to get fresh fruit/veggies. Those are the only fresh things I eat with my diet of rice, ramen, and tofu. I feel so guilty buying food here, like I said. It’s bad being on my own budget. I don’t know how to get over the guilt I feel spending money.

I created a Korean bucket list, but I’m not sure if a lot of the things are feasible because of covid. I hope it stops spreading and I know that Korea is in a much better place than the US, but that could change very quickly. You just can’t predict anything. Thanks for reading this long ramble.

I ended up going to bed around 1 am last night, but set my alarm for 8:30. I got out of bed at 9 and forced myself to take a shower. Getting up early makes me feel a lot more productive. I think I need to continue keeping this routine. Movement is important and I even worked out in my small room today.

I’m having some trouble with my architecture class because although it’s taught in English, the student group chat is all in Korean. The other students know I don’t speak English and one of them reached out to me and said she would help translate if I needed to know anything. I just worry. But I messaged the professor and he said that I shouldn’t worry since it’s a first year course and the other students also don’t have any background in theory.

I went to the print shop today to print my Korean homework and it was the same guy from last time. He tried to speak to me in Korean again and when I awkwardly said, “No Korean,” he looked at the printout of the alphabet and just raised his eyebrows. I always feel so awkward when this happens, but he just showed me the price on the calculator and I went to a cafe with the Norwegian girl.

The cafes here are so nice. They’re often multiple stories and always have so much seating. I usually don’t buy anything, but the people I go with do. The Norwegian girl got persimmon juice and I had mango juice from another place. Unfortunately, we sat near the smoking section. It’s kind of common here for there to be an area sectioned off with a clear wall for smokers to go to. I left after a few hours of working on Korean and my architecture project. I am not too worried about my courses, but I feel like I should be doing more. But I also know that this pandemic means I need to be more cautious about where I go. I’m also constantly thinking about the coat I’m supposed to buy my sister. I’m not sure when/where I’ll go.

The other day I went to an outside market again. It was more like a bunch of thrift stores altogether and outside. I loved the energy there and I’m sure it’s usually more crowded when things are normal. I hope to go back and buy some clothes and shoes. I only brought one pair of shoes, so I’m sure they’ll wear out at some point. The market is interesting because some stalls only have a few pair of shoes, a pile of clothes, some used cutlery, books, bags, etc and others look more like a store. I think I could get used to living in Asia. I just think I need to feel like I’m part of a community and that’s the thing I’m lacking without a program and in-person group meetings.

The past few days, I have been having a lot of trouble thinking about money, privilege, geographic space, and what it means for me to be so far from home right now. I feel guilty spending money on food. Technically can’t I survive on ramen here? Do I need to eat vegetables? What is the point of eating other foods? Why should I spend my money on something that won’t last? The anxiety around spending money on food isn’t new, but it is exacerbated here.

I worry a lot about finances and my college also informed me that I still have a balance on my account because of the way they calculate need based finances on my outside scholarships. I am frustrated. I am beyond frustrated that even if I try to apply for outside funding that it doesn’t make any difference.

I have been sleeping a lot. Had a friend breakup as well recently and it hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Not talking to somebody often leaves a gap of time that makes me uncomfortable. But even though I have so much time, I find it hard to leave my room unless I have somebody pushing me to. The goshiwon room is rather gloomy and although I’m grateful to have a place to live, the close quarters makes me depressed.

It’s almost midnight here and I just finished up an architecture project. I have no idea what I’m doing in this class and I worry that I will not do well. It doesn’t really matter much since it’s for a general ed requirement, but I always worry. I have to create 5 paper models, create isometric sketches of them, and then create artist statements for them. I’m not sure how this course will go since they just extended the online period until May.

I’m seeing a lot of people online post about social distancing in the states and I worry for my family. I hope grocery prices don’t go up. But I know that the economy will likely be hit hard worldwide and especially in the states since so many people are getting sick. I miss being able to talk to my sister whenever I wanted to. I miss cooking with her and shopping. I am homesick and lonely.

I mostly hang out with the Norwegian girl and one of the Korean citizens who also stayed from TEAN. I went out with people in the goshiwon one time and they were drinking. I refrained and honestly was a little embarrassed about how loud they were. Foreigners in any country have some privilege and I just don’t want to be disrespectful of the space I’m taking up. The other people in the goshiwon don’t really talk to me. They smile at me now, but we don’t really have conversations. I feel awkward in the kitchen, so I try to cook quickly.

I feel like I should be working harder on my academics, but I’m already spending hours on assignments. I hate online courses. I miss interacting with people in school. I miss meeting new people.

I also have been thinking a lot about how I fit in here. People still continue to speak to me in Korean when they see me in a pair with a non-Asian person and I usually am just silent. I think about what life would be like if I actually lived here. Not bad, but I wish I had had the experience to live in China. I see a lot of foreign English teachers here and I wonder if I ever will do something like that. I’m not sure. I want to explore and travel and learn and be happy. I realize that I need to be around people and feel like I’m making a difference in order to stay happy and motivated. It’s hard when you’re alone. Maybe that’s another reason I feel so guilty for how I’m spending my days.

I couldn’t sleep well last night. I had my Alien Registration Card appointment today and was super nervous for no reason. I slept in two-hour increments and ended up eating breakfast at 7 am. I took a thirty minute nap and then headed to the Office of Immigration. It was about a 30 minute subway ride there. I usually take the subway with friends, but this time I let my mind wander. I’ve been letting myself not think about anything in particular lately. I am so used to always calculating my next move or trying to distract myself with social media that it’s nice to take a break while I’m commuting somewhere.

Everyone here is still wearing masks. I really am not sure how sustainable this will be. You have to have the right ID to buy them publicly and I’m not sure that I qualify as an exchange student. I have some left, but if my sister visits then I hope she brings more. I have been reusing the ones I have and it’s kind of gross sometimes. I’m starting to break out around my nose.

I realized my picture was a 2″ by 2″ instead of a 35 by 45 mm and so I cut it smaller when I was waiting. They had a glue stick there, so I just re-glued it back on the paper. My actual appointment only took about 15 minutes. The building didn’t have security like I expected an office in the US would. Just hand sanitizer and warnings about covid. After the appointment I went to Muji since it was close by the station. I didn’t realize they sold clothes in Asia. Too expensive though. I wandered around and then headed to a No Brand store. The closest one to me was inJung-gu in Doota Mall. I didn’t realize it was literally in the middle of a traditional-style open air market. For context, No Brand is like a smaller version of Costco. It was very strange to see it surrounded by vendors.

I didn’t have to speak Korean to get some fruit. It’s been a while since I had apples, so I bought some of those as well as bananas. At No Brand I bought tofu and some frozen dumplings. I am trying to stop spending so much money on food, since that’s the thing I’ve been splurging on a little too much. I wanted lemon concentrate, but they only had lemons, so I skipped out on that. I, admittedly, am too lazy to juice my own lemons everyday.

My class starts at 2. It’s only 12 right now. But…. I accidentally signed up for an English class taught in Korean, so I will probably end up switching out of it. I’m sad. I bought the textbook already. It’s not that bad since it was less than $7 USD, but still, I had filled out all the paperwork for this one already. The other one that fits into my schedule is about Irish Literature. I guess we’ll see what happens. I’ll try and sit in on this English class, but… since I don’t know any Korean it’ll probably be pretty awkward.

The constant news on social media about covid in the US is stressing me out more than being in Korea, where there are more diagnosed cases. Everyone is stressing social distancing or doing the opposite and going on vacations and partying. Ideally, people would stay inside as much as they could, but it’s hard when there are so many other factors like housing, food, money, etc. I hope it doesn’t get worse, but it probably will before it gets better. I’m just tired of reading it all sometimes. I think I need to take a break from social media to de-stress and focus on keeping in contact with people that I can.

I talked to my old mentor from DC. He’s doing well and I and my old roommate offered to help him with any errands that he needed. He called us “super friends” and sent his love. I miss him a lot and hope that he is doing well. He’s a very active retiree, but I’m nervous for people like him and my mom who are more susceptible to the virus.

In Washington, they closed down all the public schools and most colleges are online. The governor said that only take-out and delivery services for restaurants are allowed and banned all gatherings of more than 50 people. I hope measures like these work. But I also know people are still reckless when they’re not directly affected by the virus. I don’t know what will happen in the states. I don’t know what will happen here either. Lots of uncertainty makes me uneasy.

Part I:

It’s a strange feeling to walk around and have people assume I belong. When they speak to me in Korean, I panic. I usually look to my friend, and if I don’t react quickly enough, then they’ll explain that we speak English. I hate the feeling of being disappointing. Like I should understand them. But it’s not like I was preparing to come to Korea for half a year. I know only basic phrases and can barely read hangul.

I wonder how it would be in China. I think it would hurt more. Not knowing what people are saying when I wanted so desperately to belong. I feel silly taking a sense of pride when people assume I belong here. Like I’m a native. Sometimes I pretend I understand and it goes fine. I give with two hands and receive with two, communicating with nods and “mhmms.”

I still think about the person I met at the international gathering who encouraged me to move to Asia. Why did he move back? He grew up in Japan and he said it was too tiring to think constantly about his identity in the states. There is such a different racial dynamic at play there and a history of being a perpetual foreigner.

But wouldn’t I still be a perpetual foreigner abroad? Why do I like living in Korea? I have a lot of financial privilege here because my school is funding my stay. I know it would be different if I was working. But… I like feeling connected to something. I know these customs are not mine, but living here I don’t have to explain where I come from and if somebody does ask about my ethnic heritage it doesn’t feel like it’s coming from a place of malice.

But this is all just me imagining. I don’t know if I could actually give up living in the same country as my family or friends. I don’t know if I could learn how to navigate a new country alone facing different social issues. I don’t know if I want to travel to just escape feeling like I don’t belong. One of my old mentors lived in China for a while and he said he realized he was trying to run away from being American. He couldn’t speak Chinese, but he had grown to love living there as a second-generation Chinese American. Am I doing the same thing?

Part II:

The above videos describes how I’m feeling and then nothing at all. (Side note: I’ve been following her since middle school and I’m so glad she’s still active on YT). With all of the uncertainty going on with Covid and my friends and family being directly affected back in the states, I am so… Sad and stressed and overwhelmed and I wonder why I am here.

I have so much privilege being in a country right now where the government is testing people and treating them without burdening them with financial hardships. But it’s hard seeing small businesses being affected. Yesterday, the girl from Norway bought a dress and the seller was so happy that she almost started crying and hugged her. I think about my family in the states and the small businesses struggling back home. I think about those who don’t have healthcare and those who are homeless and those who are sick and those who are struggling… Here’s a resource list if anybody needs it. Feel free to share and edit.

I am lonely and constantly trying to find new people to hang out with. I met a girl from orientation the other day and she was really nice. She’s from Australia and is half Japanese and we had very deep talks about race relations in our home countries and our experiences in predominantly-white spaces. I really like her and might hang out with her tomorrow. But when I get back to my goshiwon it feels lonely.

I have no idea what I’m doing with courses. I can’t talk with my friends or family until late at night. I worry about money constantly. I wish my sister or friends were here to explore, but know they might be safer in the states. I hate feeling constantly on edge and like like the world is going to end. Having GAD during this period of uncertainty certainly isn’t helping. I feel the need to constantly be doing something, but also know it’s good to stay inside. I don’t know what to do with myself and that’s so frustrating to me. But life isn’t fair and life doesn’t make sense and all I can do is try to love as much as I can while I’m alive. So thanks for reading. I love you.

Just got back from a restaurant/bar. It’s 2:20 am and it was a nice night out. The taxi was less than $23 USD from Hongdae to Anam. The taxi driver was also so nice and he was listening to our conversation in English to practice his. He kept asking us to be his English teachers and he thought I was Korean. He kept complimenting us, haha. He was a really nice old man and he said thank you and that he would remember us. ❤ Aw.

I was really hesitant to go out tonight. I went with the girl from Norway (who is Eritrean, but was born in Sudan) and we left for Hongdae at around 3:30 pm. It takes about 40 minutes to get there from the subway and then we walked around the street stores. I was trying to look for a concealer because my acne scars have gotten bad. 😦 I didn’t find anything, but my friend ended up getting a nice button down shirt for less than $20 USD. We met up with the girl from Gilman at 6 pm at Artbox. I love Artbox; it has so much cute stationary and other useful daily things like slippers and water bottles and humidifiers.

We went to a chicken place, called “bb.q chicken and beer” and had some interestingly sweet chicken. We then walked around for a while. Both of the girls had heard of a language exchange party/bar, so we checked it out at 8 pm. The last time we looked in, it was empty. However, this time there were a lot more people there. It was really fun actually. I took 1 shot of fireball, but that was it. I had gone to the Kakao Friends store before and bought a stuffed animal, so I felt so silly bringing it with me lol. But the people who were there were really interesting. A lot of 30 year old locals and college exchange students. I met a girl taking a gap year and living in Hongdae, a Japanese coder who had lived in Singapore, LA, Japan, Australia, etc., an Asian American who was teaching English in Seoul, a local Seoul 26-year-old, and lots of others.

I was surprised nobody was wearing their mask. It seems like not a lot of people do at night. Or maybe it’s just the young people who aren’t as worried about it. The Japanese coder said he doesn’t think it helps at all and he never wears it. However, I feel like it’s more of a social pressure for me. I don’t want people to look at me funny. Maybe that says more about me than other people though. But I think it’s considered polite to just pay attention to community health practices. I’m still trying to figure that out.

The other girls wanted to go to a club, but I wanted to head back because the subway stops running around midnight. It was around 11:30 pm by that time. They ended up convincing me to go since the Gilman girl would leave this Thursday. We walked around trying to find someplace. The Norwegian girl is so bold and went up to these two girls and asked them if they knew where a club was. The girl said she was homosexual and then pointed us in the direction of places to eat/drink. She said that clubs were closed and DJs were banned because of the virus. I’m not really sure why she told us she was gay?

We headed down the block and ended up going to this weird outdoor eatery. The Norwegian girl and the Gilman girl tried grape soju and I refrained again. We ordered this braised chicken dish, but they gave us seafood stew. The girl from Norway is definitely the most vocal out of us all and she called back the waitress and got us the chicken dish even though we had tried the seafood stew. I felt a little embarrassed, but also glad that she is so confident in herself. She really doesn’t back down. Also, this girl across from us was really tired and just fell asleep on her boyfriend’s shoulder even though they were in a group of 8. Very interesting to see the couple behavior around here.

By the time we left it was about 1:30 am and the Norwegian girl didn’t realize the subway wouldn’t start until morning and the bus would take 2 hours. I was kinda frustrated at this point, but I downloaded a taxi app and she said she would pay since she kept me out. I was glad that she paid and she said that she wants to do it once a month. I don’t know about that, but I don’t think I would mind going out with her in a group again. It’s almost 3 now. I’m very full and happy that I’m here. I know classes haven’t started and there’s a lot of unknowns.

Tomorrow I have to contact my KUBA to see if orientation is actually cancelled and then figure out where to buy my books since the KU campus is closed down. I also want to get a concealer. Everyone at the language exchange meeting kept saying what bad time I came at. Also there’s drama with travel bans in Korea and Japan. So much going on. And US schools are also starting to do online courses. This virus is so bad. But people are resilient. I just hope everyone stays as safe as they can.

Some days I’ll stay in and just nap all day between episodes of whatever drama I’m watching. Other days I’ll meet up with people I met through TEAN or Gilman. I went to one of the TEAN people’s event in Gangam. They were throwing a birthday party for a member of Red Velvet. The cafe was expensive though, so I just waited to eat. The girl from Gilman I met the other day was also there. She showed up late though and by the time we left I was so hungry. I went to SMTown and the Coex mall today. I bought some skincare and earrings for myself and as souvenirs. I miss my friends and having people to hang out with from TEAN. I need to stop spending money on food though. I’m going to start eating kimbap from the convenience stores or ramen more often just to save money. Cooking here is a little expensive and fresh produce isn’t super close to me.

I don’t know how to meet people here, yet. I hope that I will make more friends once school starts, but because classes are online I’m not sure how that’ll go. I need to email KU about my student ID because I think TEAN used their email and I need to change it to my personal one. I also need to figure out my phone plan for when the one they gave me expires.

I mentioned the girl from Gilman a few times. She’s really nice. I saw her post in the FB group and reached out. Her program was cancelled the day she landed and she’ll be leaving Thursday. I think she’s going to switch to TEAN in the fall. I hope she has a good time.

I don’t know if I miss America or I just miss being around people. I like Korea, but because I’m here under extenuating circumstances, I feel like I don’t have a good and complete view of what the city is like. So many people are staying in, but today was the first time I took the subway when it was super crowded. I didn’t like that much, especially when people started coughing or sneezing. That’s just me being paranoid. I want to be able to wander around and explore, but that just doesn’t seem like a good idea at the moment.

When people back home keep messaging me about how I am, I appreciate the concern, but I also wish they would just call or tell jokes or act like things are normal. I want to not think about how many people are sick all the time. But I also know that I have to balance that with being realistic about my health.

What are my goals here? Why am I in Korea? I think these are things that I have to rethink. I knew why I wanted to go to China. Why did I want to stay in Korea? In part, it was an impulse decision because of the time crunch, but I do like this city. What can I learn here? What can I find out about this city and myself? How will this change my views on life?

I woke up to an email saying that I will be able to stay in Korea! It will be a direct affiliated program with Korea University. I messaged my other friend in Hanyang and my friends back home. There are 3 other people staying from the same program I’m in. I heard that some European students also had their programs cancelled. I hope that everything goes well for us all. The virus is apparently hitting the city hard, so many people are staying inside. I don’t want to be cooped up in this tiny goshiwon, but I also realize that it’s safer.

Yesterday I didn’t do anything until noon. I met up with the last girl in my hotel and then went to lunch with another guy from the program. We ate and then went to the Korea University bookstore. I just got more postcards. (Right now my landlord is vacuuming. The walls are so thin here!) I went back to say goodbye to the other girl who was leaving. At 4 I went out to Hongdae with the first girl and we went to the Meerkat cafe. It was so cute and they had animals like civets, meerkats, wallabies, raccoons, and arctic foxes. They were so cute and so tame. The meerkats were a lot noisier than I thought they would be. They also had some really pretty cats there. It was around 13,000 KRW to go in, but I definitely say it was worth it.

We visited a dog cafe right after that. There were about 15 dogs and it was 10,000 KRW to go in, which included a drink. The dogs were all really familiar with some of the people who visited and it was cute watching them interact. I love Samoyeds and big fluffy dogs, but they shed so much! We spent about an hour there and then went to the Line Store, Kakao Store, and walked around a little bit. We ate at a pho place and talked about her family. She’s a first-generation college student and her dad apparently was in a gang before he moved here, where he became a chef. Both of her parents cook now and she has two other siblings. I really enjoy hearing about other people’s family dynamics because it helps me contextualize my own experiences while getting to know my friends better.

There were many more students milling around there than around Anam. I miss being around people, but I understand why people are staying away from crowds. I didn’t know if I was going to leave, so I just spent a lot on souvenirs and gifts for my friends.

We ended up getting back to the goshiwon at 11:30. I was so tired, so I just went to bed. This morning, like I said, I was informed that I could stay here. I’m excited to stay, but I wish I could move somewhere where I could have friends over. But I don’t think any goshiwons really allow visitors. I think mine is just more strict.

I went to my last lunch with the ABC who stayed here and she insisted on paying. I miss her already. She was the only one left who was in the same goshiwon as me. Now I’m not sure who I will hang out with. The RD had me sign a contract saying TEAN won’t provide any more services. I also talked to my sister. She wants to come visit, but I don’t think it would be a good idea until the virus is contained. I also worry about her going back to the US and if she will need to be quarantied. I need to wash my clothes soon. It’s only 2:30 pm. I know that some of the last people staying are going to karaoke, but I don’t feel comfortable singing with people I don’t know that well. I might just stay in, I guess.

My Hanyang friend said to stay in and order food or just shop online. I don’t know what would be best. Everyone is asleep right now. I want to go out and explore… I don’t know if I should though. I guess I’ll keep you updated later.

Edit: I took a nap for a few hours and then woke up. A girl I messaged from the Gilman Scholar Facebook page (whose program also was cancelled) messaged me and we went to Hongdae to shop again. I know I shouldn’t go out too far, but… I don’t know. I finally got a coat! I’ve been wanting a cute trench coat for a while and it was less than $40 USD. We had Korean fried chicken again and I got the 32 cm ice cream. I had green tea and it was really good. I got back at around 11 again and it’s finally midnight.

Tomorrow I need to go out and shop for hand towels and get more cash. I think I’ll end up staying in unless somebody else reaches out.

It was our first full day free from orientation. We were supposed to be happy and excited and ready to explore. Instead, we all received an email at 1 in the morning that the TEAN program was cancelled and that they would only help us for two more days. I didn’t know if anyone else was up, but I called my family and my friends back home. This is the second trip cancellation I have been through and I just felt so defeated. I couldn’t do much since it was so late at night, but it was hard for me to fall asleep. I felt like this was some stupid trick the universe was playing on us all. Most people will not graduate on time and we had all been planning this for so long. Especially the people who were going to originally going to China.

After crying a little, I just went back to bed. That morning I met up with the other girls from my hotel and we all just expressed how upset we were. We had to meet in the kitchen since our individual rooms aren’t big enough for other people. We decided to just go out to eat with some of the other people from the program and so we got dressed and met downstairs. The other people from another goshitel met us outside and we went to lunch at a jajangmyun and tangsooyuk place. One of the Korean students led us to a restaurant and we all commiserated. We decided to just explore since there wasn’t anything else we could do.

Most of the other students had already booked their flights home, but I had decided to try and stay and enroll directly in KU. Now it’s almost 11 the next morning and my college, TEAN, and other people are still figuring out if that’s even possible. I’m so upset about it. I don’t know if I’m being stupid, but I just really want to be in Asia. I don’t want to graduate late. I don’t want to be stuck with nothing to do for months and scramble to find a summer internship. I have spent so much time planning and replanning this trip. But I also don’t know how KU will react since there’s still a few weeks until school actually starts and the amount of cases went up so quickly.

After we ate, we went to another shopping district, but I forgot where. We met one of the TEAN staff in the subway and she started crying. I felt so bad, but I hugged her and we talked a little. We ended up walking along a tiny river for about an hour to get to a street food market. I wasn’t hungry, so the group split into two. One went to eat street food and the girls from my goshitel went back to myeongdong to buy souvenirs and skincare for our family back home. I got lost trying to find my way back to meet them, but I met the Italian students in myeongdong and they also said they were heading back soon. Once I met back up with the other girls we decided to meet up with the other group. It was such a long subway ride though and we were almost in Gangam, so it took an hour. We got lost a little bit in the subway, which didn’t help.

We met up with them and then went to kbbq. It was my first time having it and it was good. But I wasn’t that hungry, so I don’t know. Some people drank, but I just wasn’t feeling it. We took the long subway ride back and then went to a cafe, where all the other people ordered dessert. My stomach just isn’t happy when I’m anxious, so I was in a bad mood and wanted to talk with my family and friends. It was around 10 pm by this time. I had been worrying and talking with my friends back home.

I am so sad. My heart hurts for everyone. For the families in China separated by the travel restriction. For those infected and for the doctor’s fighting to take care of them. For other exchange students who don’t know what to do.

Once I got back to my room, it was basically a waiting game to see if my college would let me directly enroll and if TEAN would be able to help. I didn’t feel like writing here. I know these posts aren’t as descriptive as I had planned. I just am so exhausted and tired. I miss my friends. I think it would’ve been better if I knew for sure I could go to KU and meet new ones, but I have no idea what will happen. Even if I stay, I want to move to the other goshitel because it allows visitors and my sister wants to visit. I don’t know how good a decision that is… I don’t know how good any of the decisions I’m making are.

My mom keeps saying everything happens for a reason and that this is teaching me to be adaptable. I don’t want to be adaptable right now though. I want to feel like I know what’s going to happen and that everyone will be safe and happy. I want to not feel anxious all of the time and not have to wear a face mask outside. I’m supposed to meet up with the group later today and go on more adventures. I guess we’ll see how that goes. For now, I don’t have a flight booked and I’m in a country where I don’t know the language. I don’t think I could have prepared for this. I am so sad and even though I’m trying to keep busy I just have this heaviness in my chest.

It feels like 5 millions years have passed since I last wrote, even though it has only been a few days. Yesterday we went to myeongdong, or the shopping district. We met up at 10 for a crash course lesson in Korean. The teacher who taught us was very kind and she has also been there guiding us the past few days. She’s an English teacher here and I hope I can be as kind and helpful as she was if I ever go into education. We learned the basic “Hello/Goodbye,” “Where is the subway station,” and “Please give me water.” I’m definitely not a natural language learner.

After that, we met up and all got metro cards. They call it T-Money and the subway station is a little overwhelming, but very clean. I always felt embarrassed going in the big group because of how loud everyone is. One of the elevators we were on was so tall and everyone was freaking out about it. I felt fine because it just reminded me of DC. But we made it to a Taekwondo session. The master there was very patient and funny. It made me realize I need to work out more, haha. But they gave us personalized uniforms. When they tried to make us break the board, I was so nervous. We had to do it in front of everyone and it took my three tries. I was so embarrassed, yikes.

Thankfully, we moved on and went to myeongdong. I only bought a purse, but it was less than $10 USD. There was so much to look at, but unfortunately a lot of the street food stalls were closed because of covid concerns. Everyone is wearing masks right now. The M94 ones are going for $2.50 and up. I should’ve brought more with me, but they still sell them here. I also want to get a fabric one for later allergy season.

We had 4 hours to walk around and eventually we all were tired. I mostly stayed with the ABCs and the Filipina American girl. A few other people joined us and after a few hours of wandering we decided to sit in a cafe. The European-style cafes are so expensive! I didn’t order anything, but some of the girls got tea. We chatted about the covid concerns and it seems like it’s only getting worse. The religious sect that started the big spread is under a lot of scrutiny at the moment, but I don’t know much about them personally. I just wish this whole thing didn’t happen.

We finally managed to meet up with the others at the subway station and then we went to a Michelin star restaurant. I had some cold, spicy noodles, but I forgot what they were called. I also tried some dumplings and they were good as well. I sat with the Italian students who also were originally going to China and one of them asked me why I wanted to go to China. This got into a whole conversation about my adoption and how speaking the language and learning more about the culture helps me feel more like I belong somewhere/how it grounds me.

Following dinner, we went to a Jump Show. It was about a family of Taekwondo masters and the performers were so athletic and talented. It was more of a comedy show, but with a lot of flips and kicks involved. I always am so tired by the end of the day, so I just called some people back home and went to bed.

Orientation Day 4

Move-in day! I woke up around 9 am and headed to breakfast. My roommate had already left, but I found her downstairs and we chatted with some other girls in the program. Because everyone from the program was early, we had to wait downstairs with all of our luggage. Eventually, the people going to goshiwons were guided to a bus and we were accompanied by a translator. The other goshitel has an elevator and allows people over, but ours doesn’t. 😦 I was planning on having my sister over, but we’ll see if that’s possible.

The goshitel is so small. I thought I would know what to expect since I had a single in college in NY, but it is maybe 1/3 of that size with the bathroom inside it (the toilet and sink are also inside the shower). The owner wasn’t fluent in English, so he used Papago to translate. The communal kitchen also isn’t provided with rice or cereal like it usually is because of covid.

We had a few minutes to settle down, but then we ate our last lunch as a big group. It was fine, but the foods we’ve been having have so much cheese, so I have to pick around it. Some of the returning students of the program came and answered questions, but it was very casual. The RD led us on a very very quick tour of campus and then we took a group photo. We stopped by Daiso, thankfully, and I picked up some essentials, such as razors, soap, tissues, toilet paper, etc. I still need to buy notebooks/binders, but that’s if the school is still going to run. There’s some speculation that it’ll be online courses or that it’ll be cancelled altogether. I really hope that doesn’t happen. I know the situation is a public health concern, but university students aren’t the most likely to get the virus and I have already spent so much time and energy switching programs and it’d set me back for graduation.

Anyways, after Daiso, me and the 3 other girls in the 2U goshitel went to Lalala, or something like that, and bought some shampoo and other bath items. I think a few of them are going to dye their hair by themselves?

We’re on our own for the rest of the interim period before class, but I’m not sure what I’ll do. I wanted to have my sister stay over, but I’m not sure how feasible that is. I’m currently video calling her right now and we’re unsure of what to do. I finished unpacking since I only brought 1 suitcase, but now I don’t know what to do. It’s only 5 pm, but I am tired and unsure if I want to go out exploring with myself or other people. I still need an umbrella, hand sanitizer, conditioner/leave-in conditioner, and notebooks. I miss home, but I just want courses to start.